"Benny..." Candy stared at me, her eyes shining with concern as I scratched at my wrist subconciously. I could feel the blood pooling on top of the skin. You deserve it. The students hate you, they wouldn't unless there were a reason Benjamin. Why do they hate you Benjamin? C'mon Benjamin! You're a bad person, everyone says so.. they'd be better off without you! You know they would be! "Benny!" A small hand grabbed my own, pulling it away from my wrist and I jerked my eyes up to meet my sisters.
"I'm sorry," I whispered. I had to apologize, I did something bad. I'm sorry that I haven't killed myself yet, I'm sorry that I'm still burdening you with my problems and that you have to protect your big brother when he should be protecting you. I'm sorry. Unspoken words.
"You dont have a reason to apologize."
Liar. Of course I do. I'm a failure.. Just forgive me. Just say 'I forgive you' or 'it's okay', please Candy! Silence.
"If you say so..."
"I do," she smiled her perfectly crooked smile and bumped her shoulder into mine. I chuckled as if I found it all so amusing, but really... all I wanted was for her to accept the apology. Why did I have to be such a bad person? I didn't want to be a bad anything, I tried so hard to be a good person! Be a man, Benjamin. Quit your whining and crying before I beat it out of you! I flinched, hearing my father's demanding, loud voice flit through my head.
I turned away from Candy and walked towards fourth period without so much as a goodbye. I knew I wouldn't be able to talk, my throat felt swollen and sore from holding back tears and sobs. Why did I have to be so uselessly overemotional? You're such a dipshit Benjamin, how can anyone stand to be around you? You're better off dead. Deep breathing, breathe deep, in and out. Clench fists, unclench. Repeat.
More guards during fourth period. Remember Me would be in this class with me as well. Fucking perfect. Just what I needed right now.
"Look, its the he-she," Marty sneered, making nearly the entire room laugh at my expense. Just yesterday, I loved Remember Me, all their songs seemed to mean something, made me feel better about myself.. now, knowing how just this one member of the band acted.. I dont think I'd ever be able to listen to their songs without thinking about the moments where a member of the band made fun of me.
Danny reached over with his foot and kicked Marty in the leg, smiling towards me apologetically. I hunched my shoulders, making sure to keep my head down as I went to my desk. Take it like a man, act like a man Benjamin!
I dont know how.. I'm a weak person. I'm not strong enough to deal with this. If I wasn't so pathetic, I wouldn't have to go through this bullying, I deserve this. I deserve it. Just as I sat down, the bell rang and the teacher entered the classroom. Mr. Grimwauld was one of the strictest teachers in this hellhole, an ex-marine as well, and knew how to dole out punishments without ever mentioning the word 'detention'. He terrified me. Then again.. so did half of the school population.
Even the members of Remember Me seemed to have been warned about Grimwauld, they sat up straighter, stared at him and looked completely serious. My eyes drifted towards Rain, even though all I could see was the back of his head. Is perfect hair.. his back looked awfully sexy in that shirt. As I realized where my thoughts were headed, I jerked my gaze away and moved it back towards Grimwauld just as he asked for our homework.
I did my homework, I always did my homework, class work, even any extra credit I could get ahold of. I needed to get into a good college if I wanted to get away from this town, these people... as far away as possible. But today, though I had done my homework and had it with me, I was nervous about handing it in. I remember looking at it this morning as I stuck it in my binder, and noticed the splotches of blood from my bloody lip that I'd gotten last night. Grimwauld would call me out on it. But still, dutifully, I pulled the ruined sheet of paper, and passed it to the person in front of me, who grimaced at the blood. Please wait until the end of class, please..