epilogue

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I, Allie Robins, am insane. I'm insane, I'm homicidal, I'm suicidal, I'm depressed, and I'm bipolar.

I've accommodated these things over the past 2 years. These lonely two years on the lockdown floor of Smith Mental Hospital.

Before those two years, I was a happy go lucky girl. I always looked at the bright side of things and sometimes couldn't understand why people were sad. I always thought it was a beautiful life and you were breathing so you might as well enjoy it.

Now I think life is an utter hellhole and I don't want to be breathing anymore. I want to take out my pain by murder. I want to hurt people. I want to hurt them like I've been hurt, both mentally and physically.

I want to hurt these doctors who put me in here in the first place. Two years ago if I hadn't been in here, I would be okay. I wanted to hurt the patients. I wanted to hurt the police.

But most of all, I wanted to hurt myself. I wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to live anymore. I wanted to turn all my emotional pain and turn it into physical pain.

I hated it at this hospital. I hated everything from it's flowery smell to it's white walls. I hated the therapy sessions I had to go to and the food they served. I hated the handcuffs I had to wear all day and I hated necklace I had to wear around my neck, signaling people that I was dangerous.

For the past two years, I've only talked to 5 different people. No more, no less. I wasn't allowed to talk to anyone either. And to be honest, I didn't really have a conversation. They talked and I listened, occasionally answering questions or making comments.

Those people were my doctor, my therapist, Ms. Clifford, Luke and Calum.

No one was allowed to speak to me besides them. The doctor and the therapist for obvious reasons. Calum, Luke and Ms. Clifford were allowed because they had experienced the things I had.

Ms. Clifford didn't come often and I don't blame her. I didn't want her to come often either. She's a constant reminder of Michael for me and I'm a constant reminder of Michael for her. We remind each other of the suffering we enduring that horrible night. I don't like talking to Ms. Clifford.

Luke comes once or twice a month. We weren't very close before the incidents but we've grown close now. He'll stay for practically the whole day and he'll catch me up on life outside the hospital. He says I don't seem very mental but he knows I am. Everyone does. I like talking to Luke.

Calum is a patient at Smith Mental Hospital, too. He's been diagnosed as depressed, homicidal and insane. He doesn't seem like it though. He always seems happy and smiling but smiles hide the most pain I guess. I see him 5 or 6 times a week. It's a lot because we have to go to the same therapy session. It's supposed to help with losing someone or some shit. I don't really give a fuck about it. I love just being around Calum.

All in all, I don't interact with people much anymore. But I hear them whispering when I'm out. Everyone knows who I am. I've killed 3 doctors and had 4 suicide attempts. And just in the past week, I've had 5 public panic attacks. People know me as the freak of the hospital.

How could they blame me for being like this though? I experienced a demonic situation, got tortured, watched my mom get killed and watched my boyfriend, whom I loved, kill himself. That's enough to make anyone go mental.

Living alone in a white hospital room for a couple years gives you time to think though. You remember every right and every wrong thing you've ever done in your life. But you also think of the things that can't really be classified into either.

Falling in love with Michael is one of those things. I loved him and I still do love him, even though he's gone. I loved being around him and I love thinking about him. I loved how he tried his hardest to keep me safe and in the end, I did make it out alive. Just like he promised. He was my knight in shining armor, well figuratively. I'd rather have shy Michael is ripped skinny jeans and band tees than an actual knight. Michael was the best person I ever met. He had the ability to make me happy no matter the situation.

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