* It takes two people to lie, one to lie and one to listen.

* Stealing? How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain what's-his-name?

* Good things don't end in "eum", they end in "mania" or "teria"

* Lisa, Vampires are make believe, like Elves, Gremlins and Eskimos.

* This ticket doesn't just give me a seat, it gives me the right, NO, the DUTY! to make a complete ass of myself.

* [when cornered off by a rhino] Jesus, Alla, Buddha...I love you all!

* (Bart): That's a hitch-hiker, Homer.
(Homer): Ooh, let's pick him up!
(Marge): No! What if he's crazy?
(Homer): And what if he's not? Then we'd look like idiots.

* (Reporter): Don't you think it's dangerous to send civilians into space?
(Homer): I'll handle this...the only danger in space is if we land on the terrible Planet of the Apes...wait a minute...Statue of Liberty...that was our planet! You maniacs! You blew it up! Damn you! Damn you all to hell!

* Marge, quick, how many kids do we have have? No time, I'll just estimate. 9!
* (Lisa): Dad! I had a bad dream!
(Homer): Oh Lisa. You just lay down and tell me all about it.
(Lisa): I know this sounds absurd, but I was dreaming that the Boogieman was chasing me and...
(Homer): AAHH! Boogieman!
[Runs to Bart's room]
(Homer): Bart, I don't want to alarm you, but we may have an ordeal involving a Boogieman or BoogieMEN in the house!
(Bart): Aaaaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!!

* Oh Lisa! You and your stories! Bart is a vampire! Beer kills brain cells! Now lets go back to that ... building ... thingy... where our beds and TV... is.

* (Marge): Homer, is this the way you pictured married life?
(Homer): Yup, pretty much. Except we drove around in a van solving mysteries.

* Your mother seems really upset. I better go have a talk with her - during the commercial.

* You never know when an old calendar might come in handy! Sure, it's not 1985 right now, but who knows what tomorrow will bring.

* (Bart): I thought I'd better tell you that I'm being indicted for fraud in Australia.
(Homer): Well that's no reason to block the TV.

* (Lisa): Dad! You can't just leave us by ourselves, we need a baby-sitter!
(Homer): Lisa, haven't you seen Home Alone? If some burglars come it'll be a hilarious situation...

* I am so smart! I am so smart! S-M-R-T, I mean S-M-A-R-T...

* (Marge): Homer! What have you done to the car? I don't think it had broken axles before.
(Homer): Before! Before! You're living in the past, Marge. Quit living in the past.
* (Homer): Are you saying you're never going to eat any animal again? What about bacon?
(Lisa): No.
(Homer): Ham?
(Lisa): No!
(Homer): Pork chops?
(Lisa): Dad! Those all come from the same animal!
(Homer): Heh heh heh ... ooh ... yeah right, Lisa. A wonderful ... magical animal.

* Kids, you tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is, never try.

* It's not easy to juggle a pregnant wife and a troubled child, but somehow I managed to fit in 8 hours of TV a day.

* Getting out of jury duty is easy. The trick is to say you're prejudiced against all races.

* What's the point of going out? We're just going to wind up back here anyway.

* (Homer): OK, brain. You don't like me, and I don't like you, but lets get through this thing and then I can continue killing you with beer.
* (Homer's brain): It's a deal!

* Lisa, you missed a great race! First, Bart was winning, but then he said, 'This is stupid,' and he left, and I won!

* Don't worry. Being eaten by a crocodile is just like going to sleep... in a blender.

* (Bart): I need this candy for school... candy class.
(Homer): Well, OK. But you better get 5 bags in case we eat 4 on the way home.

* (Bart): Hey, a chimp! Maybe he'll lead us to bananas.
(Homer drooling): Or more mouth-watering chimps.

* (Marge): Homer, it's funny but I've noticed that my mum and your dad are very lonely.
(Homer): Ha ha! That is funny!

* When Marge's aunt has died and the family is going to her funeral...
(Selma): It's the death of a legend.
(Homer's brain): Yeah, the legend of the dog-faced woman!
(Homer): Ha ha! The legend of the dog-faced woman!
(Marge): Homer!!
(Homer): Stupid brain.

* Just because I don't care doesn't mean I don't understand.


* (Homer singing): When a fire starts to burn, there's a lesson you must learn. Something, something, then you'll see, you'll avoid catastrophe ... DOH!

* (reading an IOU note): 'Dear Homer, I owe you one emergency donut, signed Homer.' Bastard! He's always one step ahead!