How The Cinderella Story Really Went

You see, somehow someone got the idea into their tiny, pea-sized brain that the Cinderella story was some cute little fairy tale for children. Well let me tell you, it was not cute and definitely not little. Let me prove my point:

"Ugh, Mom, do I really have to go?" Cinderella whined.

"Of course, honey! The Prince is absolutely horrifying. Maybe he'll be ok with your..." Jennifer motioned to the chocolate cake Cinderella was eating, "...um... abnormal appetite."

"I do not have an abnormal appetite!" Cinderella said while making air quotes with her fingers around the words 'abnormal appetite'.

"I'm sorry, dear." Jennifer said as she crossed the ginormous kitchen. "But you know, the Prince is rather rich. If you two get married, our family will gain so much money that our social status will sky rocket!"

"Mother!" Cinderella yet again whined while taking a bite of her raspberry chocolate goo. "As if I would actually share the money with you. I would totally keep it all to buy more cd's with. You know how I just adore the Lost Slipper Band. Their music is so inspirational!"

"If you mean by inspirational- music that make you want to gag, then yes, daughter, their music is very inspirational."

"Aw I know, Mother. It makes you feel that way too?"

"Yes it does." Jennifer replied with distaste evident on her face. "Anyway, dear, please go get dressed for the ball. Your driver will be here in two hours."

"Actually," Cinderella replied, "I am already dressed."

"Honey, you are wearing sweatpants, a t-shirt, and slippers."

"Yep! That's the beauty of it all!"

"Fine. But if anyone asks, you're not related to me."

"Fine." Cinderella smugly replied before returning to her plate piled high with cake.

Jennifer walked out of the room while Cinderella began humming the bride's march. All of a sudden, with a blue puff of smoke, the fairy godmother appeared in front of Cinderella.

"Uh... oh, right. Bippety, boppety, boo and all that stuff... Good gracious what is that goo?" Fairy godmother rhymed for no apparent reason. For the sake of faster distinction, we will refer to her as Bubblehead. Or BH.

"Hey, Godmother!" Cinderella yelled. "What'd you bring me this time?"

"Is that a voice I heard?" BH called back. "Ah, a voice, a voice, a voice. Ah, YES! A voice!" BH declared with a proud manner, she was so sure that anyone would be jealous of her voice recognition abilities.

"Yeah, yeah." Cinderella said waving her hand around. "So what did you get me? Oh, you do know that I love cake, right?"

"Huh?" BH asked obviously distracted...or maybe she is always that way. "Oh, right. I'm supposed to boppety you some shoes. Cake shoes? Guess those will work."

With that BH poofed out of the room leaving a cloud of confusion behind her.

"What on earth?" Cinderella thought. She looked down to see her shoes really were shaped like cake! Complete with frosting and a cherry on top. Cinderella would have tried licking the frosting, but at that moment, a bright blue carriage pulled up. It slightly resembled a blueberry. With a great heave, Cinderella pushed herself out of her chair. Then she carefully waddled out to the vehicle.

Several hours later, and after much panting and straining, the horses finally pulled up to the old castle. Soon after they came to a halt, loud scuffling noises were heard from the strange vehicle. They all ended with a loud 'oomph' as Cinderella plopped out the door and on to the ground. The carriage then speedily pulled away leaving a plump and dusty figure lying on the ground. It was obvious that she was trying to pull herself up in to a standing position, but her tremendous amount of weight made the task difficult. Finally, after many tries, Cinderella triumphantly heaved herself off of the dirt covered ground. As she made her way up the few stairs, an official looking man wearing a red suit greeted her. He was probably supposed to wait for the lady to reach the top of the stairs, but Cinderella was wearing his patience thin.

"Good day, my lady!" The man called to her. Cinderella slowly realized he was speaking to her.

"Oh, hello, sir." She puffed out.

"Ah, a lady as, erm, lovely as yourself must be here to marry the Prince."