I am Hana

Twelve. The role of his girlfriend

I noticed something and it came up quite unexpectedly. I cannot believe it but through my senses, I confirmed that it was true. We were playing the game all along, I, believing that I could probably be the girl whom he likes, wants, and loves. But I saw it with my two eyes, heard it from the mouth that used to kiss me, and felt every stabbing pain.

I was walking home feeling so energized after a week of endless bliss. He was showing me much affection even if his family wasn’t around. I almost fell in the pit because it was just an act that he was trying to master. He was just putting oil to the engine so that it could run in a sleek manner. And his actions were the oil and I was the engine that suffers from the plan.

What made me speak into this language was when I saw him with a girl. It wasn’t pure jealousy for I somewhat know where I stand. But I cannot convince myself that I am his original. The girl was quite as ordinary compared to the girls he used to describe on me. But I cannot fight the scene that I have witnessed. He told her he loves her and the girl blushed and told him she loves him too. They kissed and they embraced each other more than a minute or two.

I cannot believe myself feeling this stabs linger in me. I should have known better because I already heard this familiar story. In fact, he was so proud to tell me such stories himself and before I really don’t give a damn.

But tonight is just not like any other night. Funny how I keep on denying these feelings I had for 11 months of being with him in this house. This house used to be my own scapegoat from my family’s stressing implications on my teen-age rebellious life. But now, like this house, I have been Arnold’s scapegoat with all the natural and ordinary things that happen in his life.

He wasn’t changing and he never promised anything to me. Still, I have to continue playing the role of his girlfriend when I never was anything close to that.

Why can’t I be the one? What’s so wrong with me that he cannot handle? What is so wrong with me that he would rather choose me to pretend to be his girlfriend when I’m not? Why can’t we stop fooling his family and go on to our separate lives? Why am I still sticking up on him even if I know the truth? And the truth still stabs me.