Something Like Fate (editing)

Chapter 23 - 'I Didn't Know L'Oreal Specialised In Bitch'

My longest chapter yet and this was the most fun to write. Enjoy xxx

Drew Harries was back on my bitch list for being a fucking bastard who fucks his ex-girlfriend. All I wanted to do was be there for him, to be his strength during his weakness, but it seemed that his comfort was in getting himself off while ignoring all my calls of worry about his state. You know, I understood he needed someone there but the fact he turned to her instead of me is something I can never forgive because now my heart was hurting just like him – pain was pain no matter how it was caused.

That day at the wake he looked so broken that all I wanted to do was sweep him into my arms and just tell him that everything was going to be fine, and a part of me selfishly wanted him to want me to want to do that - I wanted him to want me to be his everything like he said that day in the park. But once again I wasn’t enough.  As always I wasn’t enough for someone. If it all wasn’t so pathetic and typical I would have laughed at my absolute terrible taste in guys who probably saw ‘doormat’ written over my forehead and came up with the mission to treat me like shit. I was so fucking tired of guy after guy after guy, from Harry to Matt to Finn to the king of douches Drew, putting me down and succeeding in making me feel worthless. Do you know what it feels like to always be the background character in someone else’s story without the happily ever after? To have to console myself with the thought that it was never my fault, that I was fine the way I was, when all I’m told is that there’s something wrong with me? And there was one major thing which it seemed like everyone was so concerned with…

“I think want to have sex,” I announced to Dina as her dropped the posters in her hands on the table to turn to me with her mouth agape. “Close your mouth Dina or the guys around here will get a little too excited.”

Ok, so I didn’t want to have sex per say. To be honest I think I mainly just said it so someone could tell me how stupid the whole idea was since I clearly was not ready. I needed reassurance in a world where I was called a slut despite not having sex and cheated on for the exact same reason and it felt like everyone I knew was doing it so perhaps I should to. Everyone was growing up and there I was stuck in the same place I had been most of my life – not ready for change, not willing to change.

I knew what would happen if I had sex…I would worry straight after that I either got pregnant or caught an STI even if I was on the pill and we used a condom, then I would spend the next few days worrying out of my mind until I went to the doctor and even there I would be worried it would somehow get back to my parents even though there’s confidentiality with that stuff, and then even when the results came back negative I would continue to panic in case the symptoms  only just caught up with me and this would happen EVERY time I engaged in coitus….

“Is this about Drew?” Dina grabbed me to pull me to side as she ignored all the people lining up to buy tickets to the dance. “I know you’re hurt over what he did but trust me that’s no reason to have sex, there really isn’t anything wrong with being a virgin.”

I scoffed while lowering my voice so no-one else could overhear about my plans to no longer qualify in being a nun. “Please, two of my boyfriends, well one boyfriend and a Drew, slept with other girls because I wouldn’t let them disturb my vagina so I take it that not everyone is cool with my Virgin Mary status. Plus I only said I think I want to have it, not that I’m going to… unless you’re offering,” I wiggled my eyebrows suggestively.

“That’s still no reason to have sex and you know it,” she rolled her eyes. “If you have to have sex to keep a guy then he’s not a guy worth keeping.”

“But…” I took a deep breath as I felt the back of my eyes prickles with tears. “I really liked him, you know? I didn’t even know how much until he told me…he chose her, Dina, He chose her and they’re having fun doing each other while I’m stuck the only two guys I love, Ben and Jerry, while watching Titanic and crying out for Jack, and then crying even more when my brother screams when he sees my mascara stained face.”