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I'm just so tired of being me - My heart beats and bleeds for you no more -

Dedicated to

Not all Scars Show


I'm just tired of being me Chapter Two

I was surrounded by a thick fog. It threatened to stop my breathing. My limbs were weak and my legs struggled to support me. I pushed on. I don't know where I'm going. All I can see is white.

I had a feeling that I needed to get away from here. It wasn't safe.

A blood-curdling scream pieced the air. I soon realized it was me ... it was coming from me. This sent me into a state of panic.

My breathing became uneven. My lungs burned with each intake of air.

I had no energy left. I was going to fall.

I closed my eyes, expecting to collide with the cold, hard ground beneath my feet. But the impact never came.

Strong muscular arms wrapped around me, pulling me to a wide chest. I inhaled the all too familiar scent of his musky cologne. He rubbed my back like he used to. This sent shivers down my spine. I hadn't realized how much I missed his touch until now.

I slowly opened my eyes. The fog was gone, leaving no evidence that it was here. I was in a park of some sort. I took a moment to appreciate it.

" Emily ... I ... " His sensuous voice filled the air.

I looked everywhere but his face, in a desperate attempt which was short lived. I didn't want to see his all too perfect features. Its been two months and still, I can't even look at him.

" You know I regret it right ... "

I clenched my jaw. I really didn't want to hear it.

" I didn't mean for it to happen like that ... " He trailed off.

" How did you mean for it to happen ? " My words came out as a whisper.

He stayed silent for a while. He couldn't find the words. I doubt they even exist. That only made it worse.

The silence screams the truth.

I started sobbing.


A blinding flash of light put an end to my sobs.


I was now in front of a pink door, with 'JOSE' written on it.

No ... no ! Please no ! Anything but this. I reasoned with my mind. But it wouldn't give me any control.

" Oh God ! " A female voice screamed. " Harder ! YES ! "

I slowly put my hand on the door knob and pushed they door open. Doing that was probably one of the biggest mistake I've ever made. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw next.

Jose was laying on a bed with Jason on top of her. Her legs were wrapped around him and her nails digging into his back. He pushed in and out of her.

The door made a screeching sound. They stopped and turned to look at me.

" Its not what it looks like ... " Jason tried to explain.

" Oh shut up ! Its exactly what it looks like. " Jose admitted. " Wanna join ? "

I was speechless. At that very second, comprehension hit me. My best friend was having sex with my boyfriend.

I clutched my stomach in sheer agony. I corrosive burning spread through my midsection. Tears welled in my eyes.

" How could you ? " I suddenly found my voice. " Jose ... you're my best friend ? " It came out as a question.

" I'm sorry ... " It was Jason who spoke.

Jose rolled her eyes. " Get a life. Your acting like it's the end of world Em. Its just one hot guy. They're a thousand others. "

They pain gets worse. It continues to spread.

Through my heart. Across my chest. Right smack into my eyes, where I can feel the blood vessels popping, as the tears spilled.


I shot straight up in my bed. I was panting. Tears streamed down my face. I rubbed my eyes to get rid of some of the blurriness. I soon adjusted to the darkness that was my room.

I looked at my alarm clock. 6 : 15.

I dropped back into my bed. I pulled the covers over my head. I wish I could hide under them forever. I've had that dream every night for the past two months and every time I wake up like this. Heart broken and torn into pieces.

I tossed and turned, trying to get comfortable. I stopped when I felt something cutting into my throat. I put my hands on my neck and felt a necklace. I took it off.

I stared at it for a full minute.

It had two pendants which made one. Two pieces of a broken heart. This hung on a gold chain. Jason bought it for me on our first date. He used to keep half of the heart on a chain of his own.

" I always want to have a piece of your heart " His words were fresh in my head.

He gave his pendant back to me when we broke up.

Anger boiled inside of me. Finally another emotion, other than hurt. I threw the necklace across the room. Not really caring where it landed.

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I'm just so tired of being me Chapter Two

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