The Fires of November

A Small Feeling of Optimism

Entering a race with dramatic changes to strategy and campaign staff is enough to cause great uncertainty for success. It’s even harder when running a campaign nobody is really interested in except when your candidate cannot make debates due to medical reasons. Yet, here I am surrounded by new energetic faces with dreams of making it big and being part of something. However, I don’t think they realize the guy their working and volunteering for believes there is no chance of securing the nomination or overall success with Super Tuesday just days away.

Jason believes that we should start a new campaign in Kansas City in the hopes of generating enough regional coverage that will enhance media and voter attention. The strategy moving forward is to make enough speeches, appear in rallies, and demonstrate popularity in front of large crowds. The hope is to appeal to enough moderate Republicans and Independents to convince the electorate and other candidates that we have a viable campaign. The difficulty with all this is my lack of desire to engage with crowds and make speeches. It’s a melancholy so deeply entrenched within I fear it can never be truly taken away.

“We need to get you in front of crowds, get as much free publicity as we can,” Jason interjected into my train of thought and from the look of it, he’d been talking for a while.

“That sounds good and all,” I replied looking at him and the faces of unfamiliar staffers, “but where do we go from here. I mean, where does the new campaign start?” Blank stares from each face in the room and a still silence descended upon the room. Everybody started looking at each other hoping to gain inspiration or an idea.

“We could swing through the New England, finishing in New York or Virginia,” suggested one staffer.

“We need to move away from New England, we need to express that this campaign is for America and not just one region,” another stated looking at me and Jason, it was obvious this staffer of what to do judging by this answer. He’ll need to go, nothing but potential dead weight.

With this suggestion the room broke out in discussion, each vying for their own positions or promoting the idea of moving the campaign away from the Northeast. It is interesting to watch like-minded individuals debate the same topic because the variance in opinion is staggering. Eventually, people broke off from their conversations entering into conclaves of friendly opinions strengthening their positions for the bosses in the room. By the noise level became defining. I don’t know how these individuals were successfully communicating let only hear their own thoughts. I glanced over at Jason and made my discomfort known.

“Alright everybody,” he shouted in a voice that silenced the room, “we will continue this conversation later. Let’s clear the room please.”  After giving customar nods at each other they wrapped up their conversations and each thanked me for my time. Jason escorted the back of the pack out of the door assuring some that the conversation would continue later closing the door on the last diehards.

He turned to me, raised his arms and sat back down in the chair next to me, “so, what do you think?”

“They are very young and energetic; I think they have potential to get us moving in the right direction.” The last few words drifted off into deep though and I zoned away from my companion. My mind raced in different directions pondering what a successful bid would look like. How would I be able to succeed in securing enough delegates to make a serious challenge for the nomination? I couldn’t there isn’t enough time and money to get me there. “You know, a couple of years ago one did not have to worry about getting enough delegates to secure anything. One could just organize a campaign and roll with it.”

“This may be true,” Jason interjected, “but that was a time when the party bosses mattered more than the entire process. One could organize a campaign just for popularity’s sake in order to convince the bosses you had real potential, it’s still a popularity contest, and just the faces have changed.”

“Yeah, but if there was a campaign organized in such a way that was dedicated more to policy and ideas that would be the campaign I would join. A campaign organized not to round up as many delegates but one that could go all the way to the nominating convention and lay some real sway in what happens. Now that would be a campaign.”

Jason sat back in his chair for some time staring at me and then at the floor then back at me. It was hard to tell if whether he was looking through me or at me. Eventually a smile came on his face, “A campaign concerned more with raising the level of debate throughout the country. Now that sounds like a campaign I would join.”

“I want to speak Jason; I’m tired of feeling this way.”

“Well then alright. Now we’ve got something to work with and think on.” With that he got out of his seat in an excited fashion and made his way to the door. Grabbing the handle he stopped and said, “This is going to be one heck of fight,” and walked out the door.

I sat in my seat for some time after that. Super Tuesday is only a few days away do I have enough in me to carry out what I just said? I can often say such things but my mental will will only weaken. It’s happened before. I becoming so invigorated and strong over a cause that I’m near impossible to stop and then the brakes are applied. I retreat in on myself and where strong determination was only indifference and silence remains. I become complacent with how things are and just desire for everything to be over.

The phone rings and I hope its Katherine. I long to hear her voice and discuss the conversation I just had and my thoughts. She has always been there for me and always will be. I pick up the phone and suddenly my mind is full of her voice. My tension gives way and is replaced by joy. Yet, I find myself breaking down not because of how I longed to hear her voice, but because of how I suddenly feel, empty and cold.