How Boys Speak

Clyde Speaks: Clyde’s Tips to Get a Guy

Hey guys, hope you enjoyed the recent holidays, hope you have laughed, smiled, cried and f*cked this festive season. Anyway, this update will be a bit different!

So, let’s talk real talk here. A lot of girls these days are complaining that they’re probably going to be foreveralone for the rest of their lives because guys aren’t approaching them. I’m not going to lie; the single guys of 2011/2012 are rather pussy-ish. Can I swear here? Does this thing get censored?

Anyway, most girls don’t really like approaching a dude they have the hots, which is totally understandable because if a girl does approach a guy and asks for his number, he would think she’s a wh0re who puts out on the first date. Which I don’t mind, but I’m a man wh0re so I don’t give a f*ck. I’m talking about regular, good guys.

No guy wants a wh0re as a girlfriend. You think they like banging you, knowing that the whole university soccer team has already out their balls in your net? No. F*ck you. (Not you, I mean f*ck the wh0res... I want to f*ck them, seriously. Okay I’m kidding!)

I was serious.

So today, I present to you a bag of my useful tips and tricks in order for you to score your perfect guy! Unfortunately, I had to get the rest of HowBoysThink opinions on it as well, so we brought back the interviews! Hope you enjoy!

So you know the Interview rules by now.

I ask the questions, the guys answer once in a predetermined order and only one person can talk at a time.

Clyde: I like sex.

Dean: F*ck this.
Reece: I have assignments to do!
Roger: Why do you exist, Clyde?
Brandon: Now I remember why we ended the first f*cking book!

Clyde: Okay, I’m kidding. Right, Clyde tip number 1: Stare at the guy for a few seconds to hint you’re interested in him.

Dean: When a girl stares at me, I always think there’s something on my face.
Reece: It’s called sperm.
Roger: That’s disgusting.
Brandon: Which f*cking idiot would stare at a random stranger?

Clyde: You shut your wh0re mouth. Clyde tip number 2: Wear a push up bra.

Dean: Truly inspirational.
Reece: These tips are f*cked.
Roger: Every time I think push up, I think of Brabra!
Brandon: I f*cking forgot about Brabra!

Brabra whose real name is Barbra was some girl in our high school that had quite big boobies for her age. She was 16 I think, I don’t remember that well. Anyway, picture the sun rising with a thousand butterflies floating around its magnificent rays. Picture the very first day you tasted ice cream on a blistering hot afternoon. Picture the first f*cking time you tasted melted f*cking chocolate. That was how I felt when looking a Brabra’s boobs. That is all.

After talking about Brabra for 5 minutes, we continued.

Clyde: Clyde’s Tip number 3: Don’t text on your phone!

Dean: Abort Mission!
Reece: Acquire new target!
Roger: Yeah, the girl is texting her boyfriend!
Brandon: Thank you, captain obvious!

Clyde: Clyde’s Tip number 4: Always smile. Smiles are sexy.

Dean: Unless your teeth are f*cked.
Reece: Or you have no teeth.
Roger: Or teeth have you no?
Brandon: F*ck you all.

Clyde: Clyde’s Tip number 5: Don’t be an emo, meaning act like you socialize to the public.

Dean: What the f*ck?
Reece: Yeah, this isn’t Miss World.
Roger: Bop Bop. (I really don’t know why he said that)
Brandon: What is she gonna do? Have a chat with mall security?

Clyde: Clyde’s Tip number 6: Don’t look overdone.

Dean: Two words, high maintenance.
Reece: Or you’re a cheapie Clyde.
Roger: Or she tries too hard.
Brandon: For someone who’s so rich, Clyde is a cheapo.

Clyde: Clyde’s Tip number 7: Be confident, don’t stand there looking like a pansie.

Dean: Is that what you tell you peni$?
Reece: Clyde zero. Dean one.
Roger: I have no comeback after Dean’s reply.
Brandon: Clyde just got served.

Clyde: I’m going to kill you Dean!

Reece: WAIT! I have an idea! Since Clyde is giving so many “tips”, let’s make him ask Sandra out on a date now.