Blackadder lll v Beau Brummell

Scene Five

Prince George's Chambers  – now shin-deep with crumpled cravats!

Prince George Blackadder, I can't seem to find the handkerchief that dear, sweet, Harriette gave me as a token of her everlasting affection!  

Blackadder A difficult task, sir – even without such a veritable blizzard of forsaken neckwear!  

Prince George But it was in that very drawer, along with those Havana cigars you assured me would cause gout in all five toes: yet somehow smoked to tell the tale.  

Blackadder Even if it meant having to take a fortnight off to put my feet up in the South of France, Sir!

Prince George Well, rather you than me, you reckless fool but still – damned shame about that handkerchief, I really wanted to flaunt it among my rivals at the club tonight.  

Blackadder Sir, if I may be so bold – among your rivals, I fear that those most envious of your romantic fortune have become your closest companions of late. And none more treacherous in his designs than the modern fashion dictator, Beau Brummell.   

Prince George Oh, hardly Blackadder! It's me that's the Prince, after all. Why, he's just an amusing spectacle with a dozen or so vain misanthropes under his sartorial spell.  

Blackadder A dozen or so more than His Highness might command should the public mood get much worse! Believe me sir, Beau Brummell is affecting a revolution by stealth which knows no bounds ...  

Brummell barges-in enraged  

Beau Brummell Ah! There you bloody are sir! I've had to send a carriage to collect my evening wear and that dreadful creature of yours has done wanton mischief to my sense of smell ...  

Turns his back on Blackadder to face the Prince  

Beau Brummell Are there no truly diligent and delightful skivvies you could ring for, Prinny?  

Prince George Well, you are looking at my top man in such matters, Brummell.  

Blackadder I sense, Your Highness … that Mr Brummell would rather you do the ringing while servants supply him with every palatial nicety!

He walks over to Brummell

Blackadder Snuff?  

Brummell snatches the small snuff box, sighs and resumes talking to the Prince   

Beau Brummell Wales, the bell  –

Blackadder And such impertinence, Your Highness! As if 'Prinny' itself were not more suitable slang for some expensive loo brush!  

Beau Brummell – chord would lead to a better class of service round here, were it tied to the tallywags of a revolutionary Frenchman!  

Brummell sneezes after taking a pinch of snuff and wipes his nose with the missing handkerchief  – Prince aghast!  

Prince George Now you look here sir – my servants know the difference between a REAL role model for society and some draft-dodger with a linen fetish! And let's have my bloody handkerchief back, or I'll … it'll be …  

Beau Brummell winces wearily Just be at the opera with a decent pair of convenients by nine-thirty and we'll say no more about it, fatso!  

He exits heedlessly  

Blackadder Are you really going to stand for that level of insolence, Your Highness?  

Prince George composing himself  Well, I wouldn't in public Blackadder but a dollop of dry humour never cut anyone. And besides, I'm sure I can find him an ugly enough escort for the night ahead …  

Blackadder Well, that would seem more than merited under the circumstances, Your Highness. And as for your dearest and most wickedly besmirched Harriette –  

Prince George Who? Oh, miss hanky, yes. Well I'm sure she'll give me another and it's hardly worth fighting a duel with Brummell over it. Why, society might mourn his demise almost as surely as it would cease to exist over my own.  

Blackadder raises an eyebrow  

Prince George vindictively No, let's simply decide upon which buck-toothed, syphilitic trollop to fix him up with this evening?

He reclines on his chaise-longue  

Blackadder Well, if it makes matters any easier, sir; I couldn't help but notice all the top courtesans making their way from Mrs. Miggins's for some saucy seaside holiday!  

Prince George Oh, did you now? Well there's a fine excuse for hagging him up, if any were needed! And it sounds like some lucky regiment are set to make the most of their merry leave, no less!  

Blackadder sly smile I dare say sir!  

Prince George Anyway, how did it go with loosening those parliamentary purse strings earlier?  

Blackadder Not so well, Your Highness. I somehow ended-up sidetracked into political discussion with the Minister for Employment. Indeed, he seemed most keen to implement my own humble petition for a 'Dandiacal Drudgery Bill' to be raced through Parliament at the next session!  

Prince George Oh really?  

Blackadder Which would of course mean that our recently garnered guests would become compelled to massively menial tasks in the aftermath of their own peculiar excesses.  

Prince George Hmm … Crikey! Well, better not alarm our lot and spoil the next big bash!  

Blackadder Well, quite ... although you might wish to surprise them with your fashionable insight upon being the first to hear of the latest gambling ritual among the gentlemanly classes.  

Prince George Which is?  

Blackadder 'Puquette' – or 'Who can vomit the farthest!' A contest which I would dearly wish to witness myself but for having to visit some recently acquired timeshare dwellings along the Brighton seafront, over the next few weeks!  

Prince George Well, it's certainly a shame you can't stick around for a few rounds of Pukuette, Blackadder – a contest I'm sure to win outright! Oh, I can feel the winning splash stir in my gizzard already!  

Blackadder It is indeed, an unbearable time to be away and not least for the cleaning-up duties! However, Baldrick will show Mr Brummell and his coterie to the cleaning equipment and I've already ordered ten jars of pickled gherkins for the momentous night.  

Prince George Sounds 'Fine and Dandy' to me Blackadder!  

Blackadder I'm very glad to hear it sir. Let a new dawn unfold upon the Age of Elegance – amidst the greenest of gushes and the most exquisitely rolled-up sleeves in London!

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