Blackadder lll v Beau Brummell

Scene One

The basement kitchen: crates of wine invade the dingy space. Blackadder enters in a righteous rage.  

Blackadder Sod the sodding pair of them – and soderation to the rest of those sod-awful sods!  

Baldrick Not best pleased with the Prince and his new guest, Mr B?  

Blackadder Or that Dandy cult they've both started – no, of course I'm not, Baldrick. Beau Brummell was just another harmless eccentric before the Prince got taken in by his sartorial snobbery. Bung their idle brethren into the bargain along with half the champagne in England; and this morning's mess upstairs would put a colony of sociopathic chimps to shame.

Baldrick Well, Mr Brummell is supposed to be the best dressed, most charming and popular man in England these days. And didn't the Beau and his fashionable friends take the wee wee out of you at the gentlemens' club for being badly dressed the other day? 

Blackadder still seething  Not even remotely, Baldrick! I simply stood out for not sharing their unhealthy obsession with cuffs, collars, and cravats. It seems anything less than enough neck-cloth to give an ostrich laryngitis simply won't do these days! That and their altogether pervy obsession with full-length trousers! And it's all the Prince's doing for taking Brummell under his gullible wing and making him the leading light of London fashion. 

Noisy clamour from the entrance of the palace 

Baldrick Would that be more of the Beau's exclusive bunch of mates, Mr B?  

Blackadder sits down At this time of the afternoon? I very much doubt it – the remaining hours of sunlight are as lethal to dandies as those of the dawn! It would be quite unseemly for them to risk being mistaken for anyone heading to or from work. No, that load of latecomers are merely Brummell's sad shower of wannabes who, believe it or not, wish to witness the morning rituals of that pretentious great pillock.  

Baldrick Don't you mean 'peacock' Mr B?  

Blackadder Curiously enough Baldrick, no, I don't. Apparently, less is more these days; or at least in the eyes of our regally-appointed arbiter of attire. Not that it's an entirely bad thing: Brummell has at least been able to stem some of the Prince's sartorial incontinence of late! Only last year His Royal Hopeless decided a Christmas tree clashed with his waistcoat and made me pocket several silver bulbs for him to wear to a wedding the next day!  

Further knocking

Baldrick  Are you going to let them in then Mr B? I've heard the Beau takes five hours to dress to perfection each and every day.

Blackadder  That's hardly an achievement Baldrick! And do you think you could resist calling him the Beau? Anyone who takes that long to brush their teeth and pluck a few nasal hairs deserves to be the laughing stock of London – not put on a pedestal by a bunch of grown men with a remarkable amount of growing-up to do.

Baldrick I don't know Mr. B. You seem a lot like the dandies yourself. And didn't you go to school with that leader of theirs? 

Blackadder Now you mention it Baldrick, yes I did: myself and Brummell were among the very few schoolboys to escape a flogging during those terrible times at Eton. In his case, by being too damned popular to incur a good thrashing ... 

Baldrick And in yours? 

Blackadder Oh, I was the delivery boy for the local canesmith which kept me in favour with all the leading sadists. 

Blackadder gets up but bashes his foot on a champagne crate  

Blackadder YEEEOUCH! – Baldrick ... why are all these crates full? Those dandified wasters can't be throwing an afternoon party as well, surely? 

Baldrick No, the B ...  

dark gaze from Blackadder who steps slowly closer to Baldrick   

... Mr Brummell asked if it would be okay to run up a bit of a tab. And being such a good friend of the Prince Regent  –    

Blackadder ... You thought it perfectly splendid he should drink our vaults drier than one of Mrs Miggins' best attempts at blancmange – yes, I get the picture. Well this is all getting dangerously out of control! Between parliament and the Prince's purse there's only cash enough for one scheming sponger! And you won't find him sprawled over a champagne soaked chaise-longue when there's a rival to topple! 

Baldrick Sounds like you might have a plan, Mr. B? 

Blackadder I certainly do! And it's so cunning you could give it a cigar and watch it work in children's entertainment! Now run upstairs; grab some of Brummell's togs then meet me in the drawing room with those stalkers at the gate. I've an unscheduled appointment with my cash-clown before any more of those damned dandies get in on the act ...       

All characters are the creative copyright of BBC Worldwide