Black Tar Baby

I.

I was just sat there, looking at nothin’. I could feel myself sweating ‘n’ my stomach was killin’ me. All that ran through me mind was how sick I felt and how Mike was just rabbiting on in me ear hole.

“What’s been up with you lately? Dawn?”

I just wanted ‘im to shut it. I just wanted to be left alone. But ‘e carried on until I stood up from our grotty old couch and went to the kitchen. Christ, I just wanted ‘im to shut up!

“Are you even bloody listenin’ to me?”

I could hear ‘is footsteps thumping against the cheap wooden floor, standin’ there with ‘is arms crossed. I felt like crying’ my eyes out, screaming ‘til me lungs caved through. He just wouldn’t go.

“Just leave it, Mike!” I felt my voice crack, dry and hollow.

“I’ll leave it when you tell me what’s up.”

The ringing started up again, right in my ears, ‘til my stomach turned with it. The cold sweats started then, I could barely even breathe.

"Why’re you avoidin’ me all of a sudden?”

I didn’t know what to tell ‘im. If he found out what I’d gone and done he’d kill me. My eyes started watering, leaning against the counter when nausea hit me again ‘n’ me left arm seemed to pulsate. I looked like a wounded animal, clutching at my ripe stomach like it was a lifeline; in many a sense it was.

“For God’s sake, Dawn.”

His voice was gettin’ angrier by the second. Beneath my cravings and need and the sickness grasping my body I was scared to death. I could feel the tension rising, my luck tickin’ by so loud it was a shame I couldn’t hear it. I turned and leant my back on the dirty counter, bones howling in protest.

“Get out! Fuckin’ leave me alone!” it was like the voice wasn’t my own.

I managed to drag myself to the bottom of the stairs. Splinters from the uncovered wood stuck in my heel. With each step the hallway seemed to fade away, just out of my reach. Mike was followin’ me, screeching strings of insults as I battled to reach the top. Couldn’t ‘e take the bloody hint? The stairway stretched on for miles ‘til I almost couldn’t bear to move. Tears trickling a heated path down my chin, collecting in salty pools.

I scrambled onto the landing. My chest was heaving, heart throbbin’ like it was gonna burst right up inside me. I started to panic. There was so much runnin’ through me mind and withdrawal was taking over. Mike couldn’t find out. I’d hide this from him forever if I ‘ad to. I leant up ‘gainst the banister, tryin’ to reach the bedroom. Mike grabbed hold of my left arm before I made it half way, the whole limb burned and ached intensely. I couldn’t help but scream out.

 I hear him swear, quiet at first, under his breath. My stomach lurched, this time not from the sickness or the wretched burnin’ running through my tight veins. He repeated the words like a hymn, furiously increasing the volume each time. 

“I’m so sorry, Mike.” My voice broke with misleading tears. “I’m sorry!”

“I can’t believe this.”

I felt ashamed, disgusted, tormented with it all. I pull and jerk my arm pitifully through the throbbin’, wanting Mike to give way, clutching my belly as I go. A fever washes over me in waves once more. Sensitive stomach and guilt forgotten, I thrash against Mike’s powerful grip. Even now, all I can think about is gettin’ Mike out of the house so I can shoot up.

Distantly, I hear him tellin’ me to stop. Tellin’ me I’ll hurt myself. I don’t even care, yelling right back. Rage filling me up right from the pit of my stomach, I’m trying to hit and push and fight Mike off, he won’t pack it in! This is the only thing’ve got left, to get away from all our problems with keepin’ the house and reality tearing away at my dreams. Relief from problems that ‘av been an’ gone but still trouble me now, the pain I went through before findin’ Mike. But he won’t give me this bit of peace.

It seems like a lifetime before I finally hit the wall, I can see ‘im leering over me before a sharp sting rushes across my back and stomach and I hit the floor.

“Waste of space.” ‘e mumbles, turning away the instant ’m down. “Dirty, black tar junkie!”