Romeo & Juliet (A Parody)

Romeo: There’s Juliet! Man, she is so fine-looking. Her skin is as pale and beautiful as the moon I howl at. She controls my body like the full moon. Should I approach her? No, she’ll think me a stalker.

Juliet: Oh, what a night!

Romeo: She has spoken. Was it to me she speaks? Her eyes are those of a killer. Her fangs bloody. She has recently killed.

Juliet: My Romeo! Why are you a werewolf? You make my dead heart come alive. Well, figuratively of course.

Romeo: Is she talking to me? Has she seen me?

Juliet: I should not be out here. I can smell a vile werewolf near. But I must look at the moon that rules over my Romeo’s inner animal like I would like him to rule over my inner animal. How the pale moon would shine on his fur! I wonder what color fur he has. Oh, if only he wasn’t a werewolf.

Romeo: Speak no more my beautiful blood sucker. I love you. Isn’t that what matters?

Juliet: Oh my, did you just hear all that?

Romeo: Can’t we at least be lovers?

Juliet: You speak like a love drunk fool, Romeo! I am nothing more than a wallydrag to you. I cannot give you an heir.

Romeo: Forget about a bloody heir. Without you I cannot live. If you will not have me, I’ll have your mother drink my blood and no more runs through my veins. Or stab myself with a silver dagger.

Juliet: You stupid dog! I love you. Of course I’ll have you.

Romeo: What will our parents say?

Juliet: Who cares?

Romeo: You’re right, but what will I tell my parents?

Juliet: Who said they had to know?

Romeo: You wicked imp!

Juliet: If you love me, you’ll marry me tomorrow morning.

Romeo: What about eleven o’ clock?

Juliet: Not soon enough.

Romeo: I can do ten thirty.

Juliet: Perfect! Now hurry along before a vampire smells you and comes to painfully murder you.

Romeo: Ten thirty cannot come soon enough.

Juliet: Go!

Romeo: Just one kiss.

Juliet: One kiss.

(They kiss. Juliet bites Romeo.)

Romeo: Hey!

Juliet: I’m sorry. I just could resist. If it makes you feel better, I won’t do it again. You taste horrible.

Romeo: Well, I can’t say much for your smell.

Juliet: Nor I yours.

(They hear giggles.)

Romeo: What’s going on?

(They see Lady Montague and Capulet.)

Lady Montague: Oh, Capulet. The moon looks lovely tonight. It makes me absolutely wild.

Capulet: Well, my dear, it’s not as lovely as you.

(She giggles.)

Juliet: (whispers) Gag!

Capulet: Mind if I take a nibble?

Lady Montague: Not at all. As long as I get a kiss after.

Capulet: Of course, m’dear, and more. You may depend upon it, dear girl.

(Bites her.)

Lady Montague: Oooh darlin’, that tickles.