To Write Love On Her Arms

Chapter 4

                I lost everything that day, including myself. The ambulance arrived minutes too late and soon after the cops arrived as well. People were running in and out of my house constantly, but by the time people expected me to talk, my body had frozen. I sat still as stone on my bed gazing into nothingness, letting everyone come in and out of my room asking questions that would never receive answers. News reporters showed up to question Ronda and Bill on their opinion of their foster child’s fate. They had come to morn her death, yet didn’t even bother to cry. Time paused around me for hours. The police would ask me questions about events that led up to the incident, but I sat in silence, not caring or acknowledging their presence. My parents wanted to comfort me and I appreciated that greatly, but in result I curled up into the fetal position and lay on my bed.

                Jasey’s voice would whisper in my ears throughout the night.

                “I love you Kiersten.”

                “You’re the best friend any one could ask for.”

                “I want to kill myself, Kiersten.”

                Every time the ‘I want to kill myself’ voice popped into my head I grabbed at my hair and produced a screech that sent my parents flying into my room to settle me down. My entire body was throbbing at one point as the reverberating voices dispersed.

               I stayed in bed for the next few days and didn’t bother to get up to go to school or anywhere. My mom and dad were worried and didn’t want to leave me home alone, but they had to work. They ended up asking Bill and or Ronda if they would come over to watch me. I didn’t eat at all during the time periods that I was being watched. However, when my dad cooked something and brought it to me I’d take a few bites. I couldn’t even think about eating when my stomach was filled with so many emotions that created a queasy feeling.

              Jasey’s funeral was the Wednesday following her death. I was reluctant to go at first, but it was highly recommended by my conscious that I get to say one last goodbye before she was buried away. I ripped out the black lace dress she had gotten for me the year previous and slipped into it. I looked in the mirror for a quick second and saw her standing behind me with a smile of acceptance, just like she did in the dressing room at Macy’s. I turned around horrified with a gasp of breath. There was no one standing behind me. Disappointment overwhelmed my body as the noises of Jasey’s innocent laughter filled my head.

             The funeral was pitiful. No one from our school showed up and practically none of her immediate family was there. On one side of the church were Bill and Ronda’s relatives who were only introduced to her, and on the other side was me sitting alone with my parents a few rows behind. Slowly but surely people got up to view her body which lay peacefully in her casket. I made sure I would be the last to see her face.

            I bent over the open casket and examined my best friend. She lay elegantly with her hands folded on her stomach, eye lids closed. I looked closely at her wrist and saw the faded L-O - of the love I wrote out just a few days before. It was a while since I had seen her face with just natural makeup on, it was like a whole knew Jasey in that casket. I stared at her hard cheek bones that enhanced her pale facial features and at her curled pink hair that would soon fade away. I was waiting for her to jump out and say “Haha! Just kidding!” but she made no sudden movements. I touched Jasey’s hand one last time and let the rain fall from the skies of my eyes.

          “You’re so beautiful my darling, come on let it show. You’d shine brighter if you’d just let yourself know, that I love you and I always will,” I started to sing the words to the song Jasey Maria, “The night is calling us my dear; let’s answer with your smile. You know I haven’t seen those pearly whites in a while. But I’m left breathless as I watch you stay still. Oh you’ve always given me a thrill,” The tears rushed out of my eyes and rolled right down the sides of my face. I bit my lip and inhaled heavily through my nose as I tried to finish the refrain.