Previous Page of 2Next Page

The Big Book Of


Dear Wattpad,

So today started as any other day: getting up too early, going to school, socializing.

Typical morning routine. However, something so perpetually stupid happened that it altered the course of history.

I, yes, I almost got into a fight. Mark your calender, record this in your memory! Cue the sarcasm please.

I would like to say I am a pacifist, but quite frankly I don't really enjoy being yelled at for explaining something crucial to the arguement, like today.

My guy friends and I were harmlessly joking aorund when someone's wallet got stolen.

For the sake of this person, I will not use their real name (though this guy deserves to get creepy emails and phone calls full of heavy breathing) so I'll call him Kitty. KITTY IS A BOY. Just clarifying.

Kitty's wallet was filled with an I.D. card (replaced with 5 dollars) and a $20 bill. So when said wallet got lost and then ransacked, Kitty thought my group and I stole it as a joke. He demanded we give him back his property.

Now, you would think that upon spotting your wallet about 20 feet away would clue you in that the people you're harassing didn't do it since they hadn't moved from their spot. You would think.

Kitty grabs his wallet, finds it empty, and bursts into tears. This boy is a freshman, as are we.

He runs away sobbing, and my group shrug their shoulders and continue with our conversations. So basically, life returned to normal.

That is a lie.

Kitty came back with his big sister and her friend (who happens to be a wrestling champion and is as large as Andre the Giant) and they stomp towards us.

Through Kitty's tears, he sobs, "Give me back my money and my I.D."

Every single person says, "I don't have your stuff, sorry man." (In different words, but Iets not get into specifics).

The girls behind him-dwarfing him by a foot at least- smirk, cross their arms, and then scowl.

"We want to know who stole my bro's money."

My friend Ginger (his name is something else, but his nick name is Ginger) speaks up, "You should talk to someone else, none of us have it."

(A/N: Girl 1 is the non-muscley chick. Muslces will be the wrestling girl's name)

Girl 1: "We know you took it, you were right by his wallet and were around when he lost it, give it."

Keoni (Kee-oh-knee is a friend of mine): "Actually he found his wallet about 20 feet away, and we haven't moved. None of us took it."

Muslces: "Look boy, we know one of you thieves took it, hand it over before I do somehting you'll regret."

Me: "None of us took it, your arguement is moot."

Muscles: *steps forward, opens mouth, and shouts* "We know one of you little *enter expletive* took it! Stop *beeping* lying!"

Girl 1: *puts a hand on Muscles arm to calm her down*

Me: "How do you know one of us took it?" *Says in calm, reasonable voice*

Muscles: "You were around when he lost it! We know it's one of you!"

Me: "So you're saying that if he lost it and you were over here, I could say you stole it?"

Muslces: *takes another step towards me* "We know you stole it!"

Austin (another friend of mine) whispers in my ear: "Getting a bit redundant, isn't it."

Not a question. This scenario is way out of hand and they won't leave us alone.

Muscles: "Don't go whispering! What chu say!" (A/N: Yes, this chick says "chu").

Me: "Nothing of importance."

Girl 1: "Look, you could end this right now if you just hand money over."

Me: "Oh okay. Let me grab it." *Mimes going through a bag to take out invisible money*

Me: "Here! Oh wait, I'm sorry, no one stole anything! I have nothing to give you! Oops!" *says in sarcastic voice, angering the girls further*

Muscles: "Look (enter expletive) don't sep up to the plate if you got nothing to say."

Me: *raises eyebrow* "Well I have a lot to say, but that's besides the point-" *begins yelling* "but you shouldn't ber stepping up to a plate that was never yours! So back off, we didn't do (beep)!"

Muscles: "Shut the (beep) up! Before I shut it for you!"

Me: *laughs loudly* "If you're going to yell at us at least be intelligent. How can I shut the (enter expletive) up? That, my child, is an incorrect statement. Tsk tsk."

Muscles: *rushes to me, her friend grabbing her arm and pulling her back*

Keoni: "Look, Kitty, take a 50. You obviously hate being broke, so here's a 50."

Previous Page of 2Next Page

Comments & Reviews

Login or Facebook Sign in with Twitter
library_icon_grey.png Add share_icon_grey.png Share

Who's Reading