As Told By Nerdy

Bonus Chapter - What Would I Do Without You?

She let out a laugh that didn’t quite touch her eyes. “It was agonizing enough to admit that I don’t know a thing about you, Leon. But please don’t make it harder for me.”

My lips twitched when an agonizing silence prevailed for a while. I felt out of place but I did not want to leave Leon either for the thought of Camilla Downing forcing him to stay against his will lingered in my thoughts.

Camilla’s eyes mellowed as she let out a sigh. “I know I’ve not been a good mother to you…”

“Let’s take into consideration that you may have been a mother at all to me… or to Nathan in any sense, I would just want to ask you one thing.” Leon fixed his eyes on Camilla for the first time. “Please just let us be.”

Camilla took one nervous sip of tea from her cup. “I did a lot of horrible things, Leon. But please believe that I want to change. All those things I did in the past, I regretted them all and I want to make it up to you.” She patted a dainty hand on Leon’s, which he just stared on for a while. “I want to make it up to both of you… Nathaniel, he suffered under my care and I was blinded the whole time. I thought I have been doing what’s best for him. But it turns out, I did otherwise.”

Leon searched for my hand under the tea table and interlaced his fingers with mine, squeezing it gently as he gazed vacantly on a still-life painting that hung on the dark wooden wall past Camilla. My heart was racing as my eyes shifted from the Camilla’s expectant face, then to Leon. All I wanted was to comfort him, tell him that everything would be fine but I know that it wouldn’t be that easy.

“I want to…” Camilla started, her voice a little weaker. “I want you to know—Nathaniel, Arthur and especially you, Leon—that I am so sorry for those horrible, horrible things I’ve done in the past. Back then, when Timothy—“ she cleared her throat, turning to me. “Timothy, my husband. When he died… I just felt so alone. It’s selfish, but I want you to be with me, you and Nathaniel.”

“If you wanted so badly to be with us, then why’d you left us in the first place?” Leon kept staring at the wall, resentment erasing the strong, vacant façade that he struggled to put up for a while. “As if that wasn’t enough, you just have to make my Dad’s life miserable,” he muttered through his teeth, pain contorting his docile features.

“Do you have any idea how we suffered because of you?” Dropping his gaze to the floor, Leon swallowed hard and tightened his hand on mine, before letting out an indignant chuckle.

“I remember Dad having to work all night and day, even when he was sick just so we could get by, when he could’ve easily earned enough money if he could still teach. I still remember us having to spend the night in a chapel in Lambeth because we didn’t have anywhere to go. Even though how much I wanted to forget it, I could still remember being kidnapped and being locked up… wherever the hell it was with crazy people. No thanks to you.” His eyes smouldered as he stared on the floor, his shoulders shaking with rage as he recounted those painful memories. Forcefully, Leon took deep breaths, perhaps to control his temper.

I wanted very much to touch his face and smooth out the distressed crease on his forehead with my hands. I wanted to ease his burden but I didn’t know how to so I just contented myself with giving his hand a light reassuring squeeze.

“It was a long time ago. But I could still remember everything. And I kept asking myself what kind of mother does that to her son?” He pinched the bridge of his nose, closing his eyes. “A simple sorry won’t undo all the damage you’ve done; to me, to Dad or to Nathan. If you’re sincere that you really want to make it up… then don’t. Just stay away from us. Far away, where you can’t do any more damage.”