I can’t recall the accident. I try and look back. I try and remember, but my mind has completely wiped it from my memory.
The only thing I can clearly remember is standing over my sweet, charming husband, Vincent, strapped to a gurney inside an ambulance with a paramedic standing beside him, pumping on his chest as if he’s trying to revive him, and I remember having the overwhelming sense of helplessness.
As I watched the paramedic fighting to save my husband, I remember feeling like I was pointless being in the ambulance with Vince and this paramedic, all I was doing was screaming and shouting at the two of them. It’s not as if Vincent could hear me, and nor could the paramedic, he was too busy too even take any notice of me.
The paramedic managed to save Vince, but once we arrived at the hospital the doctors determined that Vince was in a state of permanent unconsciousness, which was a technical medical term of describing someone in a coma. The doctors would talk among themselves saying that it was now up to Vince to wake up, and that they did all they could for him.
I stayed with Vincent while he was at the hospital, I hoped that if he knew I was with him, he might wake up and recover quicker.
It was devastating for me to stay with him at the hospital, just watching as he lays in his bed unconscious and wired up to machines, he looked so lifeless and I was helpless to do anything and knowing that crushed me.
The three days after Vincent was admitted into hospital I was going out of mind with worry, no one was telling me what was wrong with him, I tried to talk with his doctors and nurses but no one would acknowledge me and it infuriated me. Here I am with the love of my life was lying comatose in a hospital and no one would tell me if he would wake up or not.
I thought that everyone was ignoring me because Vince’s condition was that serious they didn’t want to worry me or something, but the fact that no one would speak to me or answer my question made me worry about Vincent even more.
However three days after Vincent was admitted his parents, Margret and James, arrived at the hospital. I was thrilled they were here. I thought them being here meant I would finally get answer, I was right about that but they weren’t the answers I wanted to know.
They too paid no attention to me, and the fact that they would simply look straight through me, started to make me think of reasons why everyone was ignoring me, why everyone was acting like I wasn’t in the room, but I decide to not think about it until I knew Vince would be ok.
I didn’t even attempt to talk to anyone after Vince’s parents turned up and ignored me as well as everyone else, I just sort of stayed quite in the corner of the room, watching Vincent and blocking out the rest of the world.
Then one day I heard Margret praying for Vince, and I heard my name come up in it, I was horrified by what she said, “And Lucinda, you have to help her, and help him cope with her death, make him know in his heart that she is just fine, let him move on”
I was outraged by what she said, and I didn’t want to believe it but I thought so hard about it, and it all started to make some sense. No one acknowledge my presence, it was as if I wasn’t in the room when I attempted to speak to people. I was obviously in the same accident that Vince was involved in, but unfortunately I died in that accident. I don’t know how exactly but I died, and now I must be some sort of spirit.
Even though I got the answer to the question why people were not acknowledging me, I now had a thousand and one more questions. Why was I still able to see everyone and why was I still able to have some sort of contact with people. The most important question is why was I still on earth? I thought there was somewhere else for me to go, and that’s not me saying I’m a believer in all the life after death nonsense, but I did assume that I would somewhat cease to exist, perhaps even evaporate into the air.
I came to the idea that I was perhaps still here for some sort of reason, and I began to think Vincent was the reason, I thought maybe I needed to stay with him and make sure he would pull through this and maybe even make sure he would get over me. I decide from that point on I was going to do all in my power – which wasn’t much at all – to help Vincent pull through, that meant I would stay with him until he woke up.