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The Dude's Guide to Girls

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Chapter Two: How to survive a shopping trip with the ladies

So you get dragged off by the ladies to go on a shopping trip with them. All guys should have experienced this by now, the agonizing pain of going from shop to fucking shop looking at the same things over and over again for hours and hours. And by the end of the day of walking and walking they haven’t bought a single fucking piece of clothing, ever experienced that kind of pain? Well we have, a lot. So here’s our little survival guide on shopping with girls. And again with the warning that this applies to us and our past experiences! Not all girls are like this and be cautious when trying these tip!

[DON’T]  

Ever get dragged into the ladies underwear section:

Okay this is just hell for any guy if you get dragged into there with either your; sister, mum, gran or any female family member. It’s awkward and just plain gross, sure it’s okay to be dragged in there if it’s your girlfriend because that way you can pick her lingerie for her [huge bonus for you] but if it’s not your girlfriend just never even go there. For multiple different reasons too, the worst that could happen is that they try it on and take forever in the dressing rooms, meaning your left standing outside with a bunch of nanny pants and mummy bras in your arms, completely vulnerable to the passing eyes of mates who may be walking past. This actually happened once to our bro James, at Trade Secret- yes TRADE Secret NOT Victoria’s Secret. Shopping with his mother and sister and he was standing outside holding pairs and pairs of Bonds underwear, we took a picture and now we use it as blackmail, lucky he didn’t see us or else he would have run us over with his motorcycle. So simple tip, just avoid going in there, unless you’ve got your girlfriend with you don’t, because that’s just a no-go.

Remember there is an exception to this one, if you have a girlfriend and she drags you into Victoria’s Secret or another lingerie store, do go in with her. She may model a few things for you, and she may even let you pick her lingerie for her, which is just a huge bonus for you next time you get it on!

[DO]

Wear comfortable clothing and bring appropriate supplies:

Okay this one is pretty damn simple we must admit. Do NOT we repeat DO NOT, go shopping with women wearing clothing that could possibly chafe, suffocate, or is uncomfortable. Do not for christ’s sake go shopping wearing fucking woolen jumpers and tight ass jeans because we can promise you now that your legs will be purple by the end of the day and you will be sweating like Ryan does when he watches the sex scenes in chick-flicks. Also do not make the mistake of tightening up your converse high-top laces because you’ll be regretting it a lot and also find a nice purple line on your lower leg from where you tightened too much. Trust us this has happened a lot! We also recommend investing in a trolley; you know those coloured ones that old people bring to the shops and markets, yeah those. You’ll be saving your fingers the pain of ‘plastic suffocation’ or in its scientific name 'painus in the fingerus from plasticus bagus' in which the carrying of too many plastic bags in one hand can result in a very purple looking hand and or finger joints, after which the numbness will linger for a few hours to a few days. Also we recommend bringing either a phone, iPod, or download some good games and apps on your phone/iPod and you should be okay for the day.

[DON’T]

Tell them what you honestly think:

This applies to any and every woman you go shopping with; mum, aunt, gran, sister, and girlfriend. You walk into a store, she starts walking around looking through the clothing racks and the shelves and you find yourself a nice man-seat. She finds something ‘nice’ and tells you she’s going to go and try it on, she comes out and flaunts it for you, and what do you say? Just smile and keep calm, if she looks absolutely hideous in it, don’t say a word, because if your girl likes it the quicker the trip will be over. Then sometimes there’s that compromising stitch where they hold up two different sets of clothes and ask which one looks better, that’s when you’re in trouble. This situation is an exception if there’s a clear winner; pick the other one because chances are said lady will pick the opposite one to the one you said looked nice. Trust us this logic actually works, it’s like they don’t trust our goddamn opinions; why the fuck would you ask if you’re just going pick the other one anyway? Ladies and their stupid logic huh, we swear the makeup gets to them!

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Cast

Noahas The dumbass
Jamesas The deep and meaningful one
Tyas The random one
Ryanas The baby bitch

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