Holding Love

Graduation Day

I look down at my navy blue graduation robe.  I hope I don't look as stupid as I feel in the almost-dress.

I can't believe I'm wearing this.  Not just because I look like a complete idiot, but because I just can't fathom the fact that I'm graduating high school. In a matter of hours, I will be moving on to the next portion of my life.  Wow.

I'm taking it a lot better than my mom is, though.  I had to leave home early and drive myself to school, because I doubt she could drive really well if she was crying every five seconds when she looked at me.

I'm standing in the school parking lot, waiting for Clary to arrive.  I called her after I left home, not wanting to stand around alone like a freak.  I feel ridiculous as joyful anticipation grips my stomach as I wait to see her.  Her beautiful, glowing face smiling at me.

She's been doing really well since Dylan broke up with her.  In fact, I hadn't seen or heard about her crying since that Saturday a few months ago when she had called me with the news.  Things went on as they had before, minus the intrusions from her good-for-nothing ex.

Speaking of Dylan, his other girlfriend (It makes me want to punch him just thinking about his little cheating episode.  Though I had a chance to take my anger out on him that Saturday, a sharp fury still burns inside me for hurting such a wonderful person as Clary so unjustly.) got tired of him after about three days and moved along to another sucker.  I will never forget the gut-wrenching anger I felt when I learned that Dylan had had the gall to crawl back to Clary asking for "another chance."   Of course, Clary said no.  How could the worm expect any different, after he had hurt her so badly?

I remember to seriously hope that I don't see Dylan today.  His stupid face has deemed very punch-worthy to me lately, and he knows it.  And I wouldn't want to spend my graduation day with a sore fist.

My breath catches when I see Clary's car pull into the parking lot.  On the inside, I hit myself  Ever since the breakup, I've been trying to convince myself that Clary needs me more as a friend than as a lover.  I can't stand the possibility of breaking her heart one day.  However, I can't drive away the butterflies I get whenever I see a trace of her.

She pull her car into the spot parallel to mine, grinning at me when we make eye contact.  I grin back at her, feeling horribly mediocre as I gaze upon her angelic smile.

Clary jumps out and comes over to wrap her arms around my neck.  I notice that she looks a whole lot better in her robe than I do.  Clary seems to fit perfectly into everything she wears.

"We're graduating!" she screams excitedly.  "I can't believe it!"

"Neither can I," I say, smiling at her.  "It's almost too good to be true.  Not having to deal with all these high school idiots five days a week."

She smirks.  "Yep.  On to college idiots."

"Even better," I sigh.

Clary shudders.  "Am I the only one that's nervous?"

"It's nothing to worry about," I say, shrugging.  "You just get your diploma, someone switches your hat thing, go sit down.  You know the drill."

Clary shakes her head.  "It's not that.  It's just.. . .everything's changing.  I just don't know what's supposed to happen now."

"It'll be fine.  Everything's the same, just.. . .different."

"That doesn't help at all, Austin."

"Well what am I supposed to say?" I say, then sigh.  "Everything is changing.  We're all moving on with our lives.  All of us--well, those of us that aren't a total idiots, anyway--are going to college and getting jobs and building new families.  It's what happens to everyone at this point.  But I'll always be here for you, Clary.  That's not going to change."

Wow.  When it comes to supporting your best friend who you secretly love, I'm pretty sure I'm a natural.

Clary grins at me.  "Austin, have I ever told you that you're the best best friend ever?"

I smile back.  "Yes, but that doesn't mean I'll ever get tired of hearing it."

Clary hugs me again, and we stay in the embrace for a moment.

"You promise you won't get tired of me and run off?" she asks, her arms still wrapped around my neck.

"Wouldn't dream of it," I say.  "If you ever need me, just call.  And no matter you are, or where I am, or what I'm doing, I promise I'll go to the ends of the earth to be there."

Clary makes a strange laughing sound.  "You're going to make me cry."

I step back quickly.  "No! If I make you ruin your makeup, your mother will murder me.  And I'm not that sure I can keep my promise if I'm dead."

Clary laughs again, dabbing at her moistening eye.  "Please.  She won't be able to see anything that goes on today.  She's having an emotional crisis."

"Same here," I say, rolling my eyes.  "I don't know what it is about mothers that huge milestones like this that gets them worked up so much."

Clary punches my arm, and then grabs my hand.  She stands up on her toes, planting a quick, glorious kiss on my cheek.

"Come on," she says, a huge grin on her face.  "Let's go inside."

The ceremony lasts forever.  Name, after name, after name is called, excited-looking students walking up onto the stage, snatching their diploma, and making their way back to their seats.  Over, and over, and over the process is repeated.

Finally, the name "Austin Johnson" is droned out through the microphone, and I get out of my uncomfortable seat and walk on the stage as so many others have and will, and take my high school diploma from the hand of Dr. Turner, who smiles at me with a soft "Congratulations."

When I take it, I don't get this soaring feeling inside like I expected.  It just feels like taking back a test from a teacher, something everyday.  I stare at it, telling myself that it's the key to my future, but I don't really feel anything.

Not like I feel when I look into the flawless face of Clary. . .

I get my dangly hat thing switched (I still don't know what to call that) and sit down.  As I make my way to my seat, another person is called up.  I search the crowd, and meet my mother's teary eyes.  I roll my eyes at her, and for a moment it looks like she wants to flick me off.  I look away from her as she blows her nose silently into a tissue.

I search the crowd some more, my gut wrenching a little when I catch sight of Dylan.  However, my spirits soar again as my eyes meet Clary's.  She is smiling gloriously at me with support, and I smile back.

I almost trip over my robe as I stare at her, and for a moment I feel incredibly stupid.  I sit down quickly, hoping no one noticed.

More names.

After a little while, the only other name that matters to me is called.

Clary makes her way gracefully onto the stage, a dazzling smile plastered on her face.  Everyone stares at her as she goes through the whole graduation procedure.  I don't know what she does that's different than what everyone else has done, but all eyes are alert and glued on her.  She is so beautiful.

As she walks back to her seat, I remember the promise I made to her earlier.  I really never, ever intend to break it.  I just really, really hope I can.  The world is a crazy place.  Who knows if I'll always be able to be there for her?  Especially when it makes me hurt so bad to not be able to have her the way I truly want her. . .

I think of how amazing it would be for her to love me, too.  But she doesn't.  She can't.  An amazing  person like her can't possibly stoop to someone as low and imperfect as me.

Clary makes eye contact with me, and I force away the sadness and longing that has overwhelmed me and smile at her the same way she smiled at me before.

I always have to be there for her.  I promised.

Thanks for reading!  I hope everyone liked it!  Two chapters left!  Five Years Later is next.  Don't forget to vote, comment, and fan!  Love all my readers! Thanks!