Broken Brent [bxb]

Part 1-3. The Past is a Terrible Thing to Think About

Even when I was younger I knew I wasn't like all the other kids my age. I don't mean that I knew I was gay because being gay isn't something I knew it's something I just am. What I mean is I'm not normal. Again I don't mean that I'm not straight. I have never been able to do anything without second guessing it. That's just how things are.

Smoking is something I've done since I was eleven and yet every time I pick up a cigarette I think about how somebody could jack me for all my cigarettes. Cigarettes are expensive, in case you didn't know. The fear as lead me to only carry around three cigarettes at a time. I don't even buy them unless I'm going straight home.

My mom used to say I was just thinking ahead. I really don't believe that's the case. If I was thinking ahead Ben would never have existed.

***

It’s cold, I should have brought a jacket, but I was in a hurry and didn’t bother to think ahead. I guess my mom wasn’t right about me thinking ahead. Then again, I never thought I’d be out this late.

“Hey Brent!” I freeze at the sound of my real name, “Is that you?”

I try to get my voice to sound deeper before I speak, “No, no, no, I’m Benjamin.” I hope that was believable.

Peter has run up to me by now, “What are you doing here? I thought you were with Olive at the hospital.”

I’m a terrible person for using my sister, who may be dying of cancer, as an alibi, but this is for her. At least that’s what I tell myself. Truth be told, I don’t know why I created Ben because the few extra bucks I’m getting isn’t worth it.

“Brent.” He nudges at my shoulder.

I look up at him with tears filling my eyes, “I’m sorry.” I start to cry.

“What you are doing here?” He looks at me. "Are you cold? Here,” He doesn’t wait for me to answer before putting his jacket around me.

I pull the jacket tightly around me. “I’m sorry.” Shit, I’m a terrible person. I can’t do anything right. What is wrong with me? I suck.

“Shh… Brent let’s get you out of here.” Peter leads me over to his car where his brother is. Brother? Oh crap. Brother doesn’t know. I can’t be touching Peter. If I wasn’t just Ben I don’t think that would be possible.

 “Pete who you got?” Peter’s brother calls out.

“A friend from school, Dan.” Peter calls back and leads me to the car.

“A friend?” Dan raises his eyebrow, but I don’t think he wants to question it.

***

To this day Dan hasn’t questioned us. I don’t think he wants to know, like Alexander.

The day my sperm donor discovered my sexuality was the same day I lost my virginity, but that’s a story for another day.

The vibration of my cell phone echoes off my nightstand. I grab it and slide it open to read my text.

Peter: I'm sorry, let's talk.

I don't want to talk; I want him to stop apologizing for something that’ no this fault. I set the phone next to me without replying.

Not a minute later it vibrates again. It's not from Peter this time.

Seth: Hey buddy, Olive says you need checked soon, so when you want to do that?

Seth, otherwise known has the best boyfriend a brother can wish upon his sister, is Olive's boyfriend. Seth has seen me naked over a dozen times. Don't think dirty. He has to check me every once in a while to make sure I haven't started self-harming again. Olive has him do it because she doesn't trust that I've quit. Seth knows about every scratch I've had for the past year. He trusts me when I tell him I haven't been cutting, but he worries. I don't know if he would tell Olive if I actually started up again. I don't think he wants her to stress over it.