Never Have I Ever

Chapter 8

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When I jolted awake, it was still dark. I lay silent for a moment, forgetting where I was. Posters on the walls, messy floor, wood paneling – Nash’s room, I remembered. I could hear my own breathing, and I heard a faster paced breathing coming from next to me. Nash was awake, that much was obvious, from the way he was hunched over and his head was between his knees. I didn’t want him to know I was seeing him while he was vulnerable so I didn’t make a sound, other than trying to make my breathing seem deep and even as it would if I was asleep. He was panting, his hands clapped over his ears as if he had thoughts running through his head that he couldn’t take.

I longed to reach out to him, and tell him it’d be okay. I wanted to hold him and never let go. This made me scared. I didn’t want to be attached to anyone; it was easier being all alone. No one could hurt you, no feelings would get hurt. This is why I pushed any thoughts of me comforting Nash to the back of my head.

He uncovered his ears, and I caught a glimpse of his face. His lips were pressed together, his eyes squeezed shut. When I thought he was going to glance over at me, I shut my eyes, focusing on keeping my face calm and blank so it would look like I was sleeping. I could feel his eyes burning holes through me, and it made butterflies fill my stomach at the thought of him staring at me. I didn’t stop and think why this made me so giddy, instead, I focused on the fact that he was getting up from the bed.

He jostled me a bit, and paused, holding his breath. It seemed like he was worried I’d wake up. I made a big scene of moving my head to the side as if I was trying to get more comfortable in my sleep. Once he was satisfied that I wasn’t waking up, he closed his door behind him.

He left. He just left me in his room, all alone. I snapped open my eyes and looked at the clock. It was three in the morning. How did he even function in school with so little sleep?

My thoughts snapped back to the time in the field, when he told me he didn’t sleep. Is this what he meant? That he had night terrors, and finally, he had to drive around for hours… that had to be horrible; never fully sleeping, never fully awake, always trying to keep the thoughts away.

I still wasn’t fully over the fact that he could just so calmly leave me here alone, not even a note! Although, he probably was going to come back before I woke up.

I closed my eyes, snuggling deeper into his comforters, breathing in his smell. Nash smelled different than other guys. He didn’t smell like cologne, he smelt like trees and nature. I breathed in deeper, falling back asleep.

Hours later, I opened my eyes again to see early sunlight streaming through his small windows. It was early, that much I knew. His alarm clock flickered, and it showed that the time was five in the morning.

I groaned, I barely got any sleep. I rolled out of bed, noting that Nash was still not back, and it was indeed school this morning, and I had no way to get home to change, without Nash. Why did I come here last night? It was stupid. It was stupid of me to cry all over Nash, and let him hold me. It was going to bite me in the ass, eventually.

I tried to make myself look less sleep deprived by pulling my hair into a pony tail, and rubbing my puffy eyes a few times – but it didn’t work. I still looked like I had no sleep, and I didn’t know how Nash always looked so handsome, if he barely ever got sleep. I guessed his body was just used to having barely any sleep, and still functioning.