Funny Harry Potter Quotes

Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone

Dudley: They stuff people's heads down the toilet the first day at Stonewall. Want to come upstairs and practice?

Harry: No, thanks. The poor toilet's never had anything as horrible as your head down it -- it might be sick.

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"Fred, you next," the plump woman said. "I'm not Fred, I'm George," said the boy. "Honestly, woman, you call ypurself our mother? Can't you tell I'm George?"

"Sorry, George, dear."

"Only joking, I'm Fred," said the boy, and off he went.

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Ginny was crying.

"Don't, Ginny, we'll send you loads of owls."

"We'll send you a Hogwarts toilet seat."

"George!"

"Only joking, Mum."

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"And the Quaffle is taken immediately by Angelina Johnson of Gryffindor- what an excellent Chaser that girl is, and rather attractive, too-"

"JORDAN!"

"Sorry, Professor."

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Harry had suddenly gone into a spectacular dive, which drew gasp and cheers from crowed. Hermione stood up, her crossed fingers in her mouth, as Harry streaked towards the ground like a bullet.

"You're in luck, Weasley, Potter 's obviously spotted some money on the ground!" said Malfoy.

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"I've decided to call him Norbert," said Hagrid." He really knows me now, watch. Norbert! Norbert! Where's Mummy?"

"He's lost his marbles," Ron muttered in Harry's ear.

"Hagrid give it a fortnight and Norbert's going to be as long as your house. Malfoy could go to Dumbledor at any moment."

" I - I know I can't keep him for ever, but I can't jus' dump him" Hagrid said.

Harry sudenly turned to Ron.

" Charlie," he said.

" You're losing it, too," said Ron. " I'm Ron remember?"

"No - Charlie - your brother in Romania. We could send Norbert to him"

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1st Weasley Twin: Oh, are you a prefect, Percy? You should have said something, we had no idea.
2nd Weasley Twin: Hang on, I think I remember him saying something about it. Once --
1st Weasley Twin: Or twice --
2nd Weasley Twin: A minute --
1st Weasley Twin: All summer --
Percy: Oh, shut up!

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Professor McGonagall: Well, thank you for that assessment, Mr Weasley. Perhaps it would be more useful if I were to transfigure Mr Potter and yourself into a pocket watch. That way, one of you might be on time.

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Dumbledore: I was unfortunate enough in my youth to come across a vomit-flavored one, and since then I have rather lost my liking for them. But, I think I could be safe with a nice toffee. (eats it)
Dumbledore: ...Hmm, alas, earwax.

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(in the Devil's Snare)
Hermione: Stop moving, both of you. This is devil's snare! You have to relax. If you don't, it'll only kill you faster!
Ron: Kill us faster? Oh, now I can relax!

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Harry: So light a fire!
Hermione: Yes... of course... but there's no wood!
Ron: HAVE YOU GONE MAD! ARE YOU A WITCH OR NOT!