My Boyfriend Is a Psychopathic Clown: Harley Quinn's Story

An X-tra Special Encounter

I saw Mr. J talking to a naked woman. Her skin was blue and scaly, she had slicked-back short red hair...and the creepiest yellow eyes, sort of cattish. If he was cheating on me, it wasn't with her.

"I have a business proposal. Could you create a diversion for something...it's confidential."

Puddin' laughed.

"I'm fabulous at diversions - why, just last week, I killed a pyschopath while an associate of mine sprung the wackos out of Arkham, and the cops never connected me to it."

She smiled.

"Great."

So I had to cancel the relaxing spa weekend he promised me after the Arkham caper, and spend it helping him make a giant bomb.

"Harley, stop looking so scowly," he criticized.

"Well, sorry, Puddin', it's just - shouldn't a girl get a break every once in a while to freshen up?"

I waited for him to tell me I was constantly beautiful, but he just swore and told me I was slacking.

"We'll never have this ready by midnight with you jibber-jabbering!"

But it was ready by nine: a beautous bomb in the shape of a giant laughing fish. He dropped it into Gotham Harbor and waited for the perfect "boom"...just as the monorail track twisted and spiraled - you could literally hear the metal crunch along with the screams of the passengers inside the falling trains -  an old man staring fiercely from a helicoptor perched on the roof of an apartment building.

"Magneto," Puddin' breathed rapturously - he really was jealous of those mutants - so enthralled he didn't notice another miniplane landing - right next to us!

"Puddin'!" I screamed in horror as a swarthy, muscular man with big, bushy sideburns in a yellow Spandex jumpsuit, grabbed him around the neck, long strips of metal with pointed ends rising from his knuckles.

"Wolverine! Put him down! Gotham's not our territory! And what's with the yellow suit?"

He retracted the scary metal claws of death and looked sheepish.

"My regular was in the wash?"

"You are rather far from home," Batman (Batman!) observed.

"Sorry," apologized a yummy-looking blond guy with something that looked like a funny pair of metal sunglasses with red lenses strapped onto his face (shame. He probably had pretty eyes).

"Magneto...he's...."

"I see, but I can't stop him. It would be foolish for me to fight a mutant."

A pretty auburn-haired woman in a tight-fitting, partly unzipped black leather jumpsuit (they were all wearing one) and high black boots nodded.

"That was smart of you."

Suddenly, the sky crackled with lightning, and a humungous storm began. I looked nervously at a white-haired black woman in the same tight jumpsuit\ boots combo, but with a black cape that whipped in the wind. Her eyes were pupilless and glowing.

It was so  creepy.

Her efforts had stopped the old guy making a wreck of the monorail (he'd been blown down off of the building and was falling until he grabbed onto a metal balcony), and all the good guys cheered. Goggles guy and Red-Brown were holding each other, and Mr. J looked at them scornfully.

"She's your girl?"

"We're teammates...and lovers." They looked adoringly at each other, and the way she held her hand slightly on her stomach and glowed, I knew she was pregnant, but not very far along yet.

"We are too!" I yelped, grabbing Puddin's hand, "Right, Mr J?"

"Our relationship is strictly professional." He shook my hand off of his like I had lice.

"Puddin' , don't be shy...."

"DON'T CALL ME 'PUDDIN', HARLEY!!!!!!" He roared, as Batman held him back so he couldn't charge at me.

"I'll tell you a story, toots. Once upon a time there was an silly little ninnynoddle named Harpy, and she was so annoying that only her boss put  up with her...and she thought he was in love with her, but really it was just that she was so gullible and stupid that she twisted his affections...if you could call it that."

I was crying as we were driven off to Arkham, I cried all the way through the admitting process...and I cried myself to sleep.

Why did men have to be such heartless pigs?