Monday, June 15, 2009

23 Hours

So its been about 23 hours.

Since what?

That's a good question.

Sometimes I just think it'll get easier, as time goes on. I'm not the kind of person to dwell on the past. Sure, 23 hours, not even a whole day, might not seem like "the past", but it is for me. I don't look back. I've made mistakes, I've made gains, and I've made tough decisions, but I don't bother to look back on it.

Yesterday was yesterday, now is now, and I've got so many tomorrows ahead of me.

Hopefully things will work out for the best. I'd like to say that I'm sure things will work out, but I've never been sure of anything. I question so many things, and find too any questions, and most of the time, I fail to find answers.

I don't just fail to find the Truth, I fail to find any sort of answer.

And there I go, dwelling on what I've done, and how I've failed. Its somewhat sad, but I don't care to find pity among my peers. I just am what I am, and as I become more obscure and indiscernible, I find it harder to understand myself.

What's a mirror good for if the lights are off?

I'll distract myself, but nothing lasts forever. That is too say, I can't distract myself from the harsh reality, at least not all the time. I can't pretend that I don't know what's going on. I can't become a sheep, and appear to be lost. Its something that can be seen in my eyes, in my soul. If you ever stare into my gaze, you'll know what I'm talking about. Imagine what I feel like when I stare at myself in the mirror, at 3 am, holding my pillow, drenched in sweat, and wondering why the hell I'm bent over the sink.

What has been seen cannot be unseen!

My purpose seems lost. 23 hours was important, so long ago, and now its nothing. Now I'm worried about 23 hours and 15 minutes ago.

"I'm so sorry. Its not that I want to do this, its that I have to. Its the right thing to do. Its been eating away at me from the start."

If a man doesn't have any principles, morals, ethics to live by, then he hasn't got a reason to live.

Goodbye, Goodnight, and Good Morning. I don't know for how long, but that should last long enough.

So its only been 23 hours.