Anticipating Hurt

Chapter 13

“It would be shameless of me to say this,” I started in a gentle voice, so soft that it was surprising even to me.

Her eyes, which still seemed watery from crying, looked straight into mine. Thinking about it, she probably had the most daunting pair of eyes and she did not fail to put me off that night in that random alleyway.

Still, I had to maintain the courage that I was able to pull together. If I yielded in that nerve-racking gaze of hers then I would not have gotten another chance again.

“I’m sorry.” I managed to speak. If my voice had trembled, I no longer cared.

I watched her mouth open and close, unsure of how to respond to my honest apology. Her eyes had been trying to focus on mine, searching for something that even I could not fathom. She must have been thinking of a witty comeback, something she was very good at. She was best at that.

With her lips tightly shut, I noted that she had finally come up with something to say. She glanced sideways before staring back at me, an act I had grown accustomed to as it was her habit whenever she tried to choose the right words before voicing out her thoughts.

“I am not sure about what you are apologizing for,” she said, her voice devoid of any emotion.

“But, if it is about what I saw earlier then there’s no need for any apology. It’s not as if we have committed ourselves in a pointless relationship.”

That was a very expected response from the red-haired woman. I knew that she would still deny me of the acceptance that I had been secretly longing for. She was, in a way, refusing to recognize my feelings in spite of how openly I had spoken my intentions out that day in her apartment.

“I am not going to make any excuses.”

Her glassy eyes looked intently into mine waiting for something I could not put a finger on. I tried to search for any hint of hurt or anger in those orbs but I could not find any. I found out that she was good at another thing and that was to hide the emotions she would rather keep bottled up inside.

“I know that you know why exactly I am apologizing to you, Nina.” I continued.

An aggravating smirk graced her lips but it vanished in an instant as her eyes finally revealed countless number of emotions I could not name. Before I knew it, the palm of her hand had already smack my face for reasons I was definitely aware of.

My cheek stung but I instantly figured out that it was not enough to make up for the hurt that she must have been feeling. But, allowing her to slap my face again would not do us any good and that it would not cancel out the sorrow that I had caused her.

“You just proved to me that men are undeniably the lowest form of beings. You just verified my assumption that men are never to be trusted. How do you expect me to believe in you? How?” she spoke angrily, each word causing an indescribable throb in my heart.

“I cannot even trust my own father. How do you expect me to put my faith in you when you cannot even stay true to your words?” Nina exclaimed.

She was already panting heavily, which was probably from trying to suppress the rage that she had always tried to keep instinctively repressed. I maintained my silence, allowing her to release all the emotions that she had manage to contain for as long as we both knew.

“That’s bullshit!”

After a long time, Nina had managed to cry out in front me without any restraints. For a short moment, she had allowed me to witness her defenseless disposition, which she had shared only on very rare occasions.