Life I Left Behind (A Daryl Dixon Story)

Chapter Thirty-Seven

Daryl

Twenty Years Old

The buzz was fading and I was crashing hard. The anger ignited my veins, spreading rapidly throughout my entire being, even though I knew I had no right to even feel that way. Charlie looked back at me. She was looking at me with an expression I never thought I’d see. I could tell she wanted to cry and I was the one who was making her feel that way. ‘Then stop it, you fuckin’ idiot!’ A sober voice in the back of my mind was shouting at me. I ignored it.

“I think all this time you were my friend because you felt bad for me. That was it, wasn’t it?” I spat the words at her like acid.

She recoiled, the look on her face falling and I knew I had done it. I had broken her. “Yes, Daryl. That’s exactly it.” She said, her words so quiet I could barely hear them. She turned her back and began walking down the driveway.

“That’s right, Charlie! Walk away, run as far away from me as you can get. Just like you always wanted!” I yelled after her retreating back.

“Go to hell, Dixon!”

Her words stung hard than I thought they would. In just a matter of minutes, I had somehow managed to let my selfishness get the best of me and run off one of the only people who ever really gave a damn about me. I ran my hands through my hair, tugging hard at the strands. I was pissed off at her for leaving, but I was more pissed off at myself for feeling that way. I knew better than anyone I was wrong. I knew why she needed to run off, but it felt like she was leaving me here to rot. Charlie was better than this place. I had known that the entire time I knew her. She was too smart, too god damn beautiful. She deserved more than this and she sure as hell deserved better than me as a friend or anything else. I wanted more than anything to just feel happy for her like a normal person. Instead, al I felt was a toxic jealousy mixed in with the sinking feeling that I had just ruined things between us for good.

When I glanced up again, she was gone, already disappeared onto the road and out of sight. I felt the urge to go after her, to run down the driveway and pull her back. To stop her and tell her the real reason why I hated that she was leaving me behind. I wished my mouth hadn’t gotten the best of me. The very last thing I wanted was her leaving and taking with her the notion that I wanted her out of my life for good. Yet I had done a damn good job of making it seem that way. I waited for my feet to move, but I stayed still, staring down the darkened driveway. I was too damn stubborn for my own good sometimes, and I knew I would never run after her no matter how badly I wanted to. I couldn’t go tell her that I hadn’t meant a single word that had come out of my mouth. I was no good at sorrys.

 

Charlie had told me at the beginning of the summer she was leaving. We didn’t talk much about it and I think that was because neither of us wanted to think about it. But when I pictured her leaving, it had happened in my head much differently. The things I had said to her now had fallen off my tongue so venomously when all I really wanted to tell her was..well, it was something I didn’t know if I’d ever have the guts to say out loud.

I turned back around and kicked furiously at the tire of the rusted old truck in the driveway. “Fuck! God fuckin’ damn it!” I hurled the words into the air, though there was no one even there to hear them. I aimed a few more kicks at the truck before I felt my foot start to go numb. I limped around to the back of the truck, slouching against the tailgate.

“What the hell is goin’ on out here?” Merle’s voice suddenly rang out. I glanced over my shoulder to see him emerging from the garage and heading towards me.