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a true story of sexual abuse and rape as told by a thirteen year old.

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I grew up with my Sunday-School teaching me what's right and what's wrong, being a Mormon. You cannot be gay. You cannot date until you are sixteen years old. There will be no boyfriends, no boy friends, no hugs, no holding-of-the-hands. You will NOT do drugs or drink, and you will only like Mormon boys. You shouldn't waste your time dating boys who are not Mormon. You will marry in a temple, you will only have sex with your husband, and nobody else.

Your skirts will come to your knees, your shirts will cover your shoulders. You will be modest, you will not draw unwanted attention to yourself. Only YOU can protect yourself from rape. You dress modestly to protect yourself from people who want to touch you.

I grew up, my whole childhood based off these rules. And I followed them. I always wore long dresses, long shorts, modest t-shirts. I would be quiet during class, I would never talk to the boys unless I had to. I was only friends with people who went to church with me.

I lived in Alaska at the time. Juneau. I lived with my mom and dad, my two brothers, and my baby sister. I was seven years old. Still so innocent, living by my Mormon rules, in my Mormon house. And that's when it happened.

My parents where out, on a date somewhere. It was just Shane. Him at fifteen years, and I only at seven. My youngest brother eight. Shane was in the bathroom, and he called me in. Being a rule-obiding child, always afraid of being in trouble, I did as I was told. I walked in, and he instructed me to close and lock the door. Getting scared, I did. He was sitting down on the closed toilet.

I remember what I was wearing that day, you know. I had a pair of bright yellow-orange leggings and a purple t-shirt that was a size to big for me. My brown hair hung loosely just past my shoulders.

I looked up at Shane, and noticed his pants were around his ankles, and his penis was fully exposed. I felt my face turn bright red, as I stared and studied the floor tiles. I didn't say anything, in petrified fear of what was happening to me. I wanted to scream, but I knew what would happen if I did. I looked up at his face, my teeth clenched. He smiled.

"Do you want to look at it?" he asked me, putting a hand on his penis. I shook my head quickly.

He grabbed me by the arm and sat me on his bare lap, my bum only inches away from the pelvic mass.

"Are you sure?" he asked again, grabbing my wrist. "Do you want to touch it?" Before I could reply, I felt the warmth spread across my fingertips. I tried to pull away, but he was too strong for me. Tears escaped my eyes as I scrunched them closed.

"C'mon. It's not that bad," he growled, grasping my wrist so tightly it hurt. "Make a fist around it," he barked. I did as I was told again, not wanting to get hurt. He controlled my hand, and spit on it a few times as well, as moans and groans escaped his lips. Letting my wrist go, he pushed my off his lap and onto the floor.

"Take off your pants," he said, another seemingly sweet smile on his face. This time I refused.

"NO!" I shot back in my most fearless voice. I remembered all the times in Sunday-School when they told me 'Just say no,' and 'Only you can protect yourself from rape.'

His frown dissapeared again, being replaced with a hard line. He pushed my back against the door, covering my mouth with his huge hand. With the other, he proceded to rip off the yellow leggings to a point where it wrenched my legs this way and that. More tears flowed from my eyes as he ripped off my panties as well.

Half of my clothes were on the floor, as well as his. He continued to pull me down until I was lying flat on the cold bathroom floor. He removed his hand from my mouth, but I was too scared to make any noise. His hands ran down my bare legs and sent a shiver thorugh my body. Removing my knees from their tightly clasped position, I was completely exposed. His hands were on either side of my head, and I felt his hot breath on my face and neck. A warm senstation spread through my body for a slit second before a searing pain ripped through me. My mouth opened to scream, but no sound came out. Just heavy, silent sobs that shook my entire body.

Before I knew it, my clothes were back on, and I was lying in my bed. Shane was kneeling next to my bed, obviously waiting for me to awake. My eyes grew wide, and attempted to sit up. A sharp pain shot through my body, causing my to wince in pain and fall back to my bed.

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