THIS IS THE FOURTH DAMN TIME I'VE UPLOADED THIS FRIGGEN STORY!
Lifetime Movies: Wattpad edition
Have you ever just logged on and saw someone commented on some story that sounds like you might like it? Then when you click on the link for the description you got a little excited cause you might find a decent story? But what, something’s off. You say to yourself “I think I’ve heard this story before.” You continue to read onward and then twenty sentences later, oh look a hastily delivered, badly worded plot twist comes up.
For example the ever so stereotypical ‘Abused young werewolf finds out he’s mate to the most powerful alpha in the world!’, Or ‘Abused young werewolf finds out his mate is a homophobic guy that tells him he’s ugly(read- you’re beautiful yet I’m too macho to admit it), worthless (you should probably pick up the fucking subtext now that I’m attracted to you idiot), and gay (My homophobic daddy will never let me rule my biologically controlled destiny so I will be an asshole to you so I can rule)’.
Any of this shit sound familiar to you? Well, welcome to the Lifetime movie plots of Wattpad, which quite honestly needs to have an entire fucking category devoted to this damn type of crap. I use Lifetime Movies as a term because to some people it is. It means something that is: heavy on drama, simplistic storylines, overused plots, easy conflicts, characters with minimal development that do 180 turns at random points between jerkass, asshole, nice guy, hypocrite.
Don’t get me wrong, every once in a while I watch a Lifetime movie cause I don’t really want to have to scream about physics not working or why the dumb blond won’t smash the bad guys face in when he’s down. But I seem to have less patience for these stories that are written out like this, or at least now a days I don’t have the patience for them. I’m sure everyone on Wattpad has and is reading or has read a shit story on here. Am I right? Sorry to anyone who likes… okay I’m not sorry. I honestly do not like these damn stories, no matter how good the grasp on the english language the author has. If they can’t write an actual in depth story, nope, nada, it’s a steaming pile of I’m not going to read it.
Wait, you say it has a lot of reads and it’s very popular? Yeah, well so is 50 Shades of Grey. Yes I went to the mommy porn as an example. Fuck, I’ll even say twilight, but not for the sake of being popular because it’s cool to not like twilight. Remember how I said I had patience for bad stories? Well I liked Twilight. Mainly because I didn’t really truly read into it when I did read it, Ninth grade or so?
But seriously, go read an article that isn’t bashing the book for the sake of bashing it. Find some serious analytical paper studying the book and you’ll see how they point out the characters being crap, storyline being simplistic and the relationship being beyond borderline abusive. The reason while I won’t go back and reread Twilight is because if I do, I’ll be the next person writing the fucking analytical paper.
But Twilight was longer than a usual chapter uploaded on Wattpad, by about twenty or so fucking pages. So there’s a few empty descriptive words to shadow the lacking or bad parts. With these stories, no not so much. But then again, I’m barely a decent writer so why listen to my opinion at all? Look over this page, you’ll find a lot of badly written sentences.
Did you see that? That’s a 180 twist to admit something right there, a good example of admitting ones faults. Now then, here’s an example of a weirdly written 180 twist that is paraphrased.
“Where’s my mate?” Stereotypical homophobic alpha male says when he finds out his stereotypical abused mate has left. (which considering the repercussions is a bad idea since a rival pack will more than likely kill him when they find him, but hey. Slow death on one hand, living with assholes on another)
“Your mate?” Says homophobic werewolf brother of ‘the mate in question’. “So you lied about him being your mate?” Brother says with a growl as he gets angry at alpha male’s guilty response. He grabs alpha by throat and curses him. ‘I may be a homophobe, but I hate liars more.’ “HE’S MY BROTHER YOU ASSHOLE! YOU’RE SUPPOSED TO LOVE HIM!”
And end scene. Now see that? That’s an oddly confusing, bad 180 twist. Something along the lines of petting the dog while lighting it on fire. Now, I didn’t do a sentence count but that’s a plot twist and ‘character development’ right there in under twenty bad sentences. People seem to love this for some reason, maybe because logic doesn’t apply. Then again, who the fuck likes logic? Oh, THIS GUY!
Yes I’m a guy, and yes I used an example from a story involving gay characters that have personalities like that of a revolving door. Get over it okay? Okay then.
Where was i? Oh yeah, lifetime movie plots. Fanfiction can delve into this region in the ocean of overused and bad ideas. The mary sue/crappy handwriting line is directly sixty degrees to your left. If you wanna go there, here take these white phosphorous grenades and Desert Eagle. Trust me you’ll need them to fend off the native Voles. Vicious bastards and bitches.
So don’t exactly see this as an attack upon just general stories, it’s also directed at fanfiction. Which I’m sure you guys can find plenty of examples of. Well, I’m off then. Leave your comments below and stay tuned for next time. Bandfic’s and RPF’s, the land of potential lawsuits!
