101 Greatest George Carlin Quotes

The man who says "life is worth losing" turns 70 today. George would say that's irony, not a coincidence. George Dennis Carlin was born May 12, 1937 in New York City and for the last 47 years he's been doing stand-up comedy better than anyone else on the planet. In the process he's pissed off a lot of people and accumulated some of funniest, and most controversial, quotes known to man. Even a list of 101 quotes is just scratching the surface. In no particular order here are his 101 best...

1. I don't have pet peeves - I have major psychotic fucking hatreds!

2. Think of how stupid the average person is, and realize half of them are stupider than that.

3. Swimming is not a sport; swimming is a way to keep from drowning. That's just common sense!

4. A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.

5. Have you ever noticed that their stuff is shit, and your shit is stuff?

6. "I wanna live, I don't wanna die. That's the whole meaning of life: not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade."

7. "I used to be Irish Catholic now I'm an American, you know you grow."

8. You can't fight City Hall, but you can goddamn sure blow it up.

9. If the Cincinnati Reds were really the first major league baseball team, who did they play?

10. Honesty may be the best policy, but it's important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.

11. If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say that the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

12. It's never just a game when you're winning.

13. There are 400,000 words in the English language, and there are 7 you can't say on television. What a ratio that is! 399,993...to 7. They must really be baaaad. They must be OUTRAGEOUS to be separated from a group that large. "All of you words over here, you seven....baaaad words". That's what they told us, right? "That's a bad word!!" Awwww. No bad words. Bad thoughts. Bad intentions, and wooooords. You know the seven, don't ya? That you can't say on TV? Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker and tits. Huh? And tits doesn't even belong on the list! It seems like such a friendly word. Sounds like a nickname. "Hey Tits, come here man! Tits! Meet my friend Toots. Toots, Tits. Tits, Toots". Sounds like a snack...oh yeah, it is. Right. But I don't mean your sexist snack, I mean new Nabisco Tits. Corn Tits n' Sesame Tits n' Cheese Tits.....Tater Tits. Bet you can't eat just one!!

14. The very existence of flamethrowers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, "You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done."

15. The reason I talk to myself is because I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered, what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

17. Religion has convinced people that there's an invisible man...living in the sky. Who watches everything you do every minute of every day. And the invisible man has a list of ten specific things he doesn't want you to do. And if you do any of these things, he will send you to a special place, of burning and fire and smoke and torture and anguish for you to live forever, and suffer, and burn, and scream, until the end of time. But he loves you. He loves you. He loves you and he needs money.

18. Weather forecast for tonight: dark. Continued dark overnight, with widely scattered light by morning.

19. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

20. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

21. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

22. Soft rock music isn't rock, and it ain't music. It's just soft.

23. Reminds me of something my third grade teacher said to to us, she said, "You show me a tropical fruit and I'll show you a cock-sucker from Guatemala."

24. As soon as someone is identified as an unsung hero, he no longer is.

25. If a movie is described as a romantic comedy you can usually find me next door playing pinball.

26. The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other in opposite directions.

27. I knew a transsexual guy whose only ambition is to eat, drink, and be Mary.