Difficult

Feelings don't mean anything ( Chapter 11 )

I think this is EXTREMELY dodgy but oh well 

Umm I swear the ast a million chapters have all been the same dam day so the next one will be an a new day I promise and there won't be any of this lovely dovey nonsense

Enjoy good citizens 

: - )  

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Back to Courtney

I could occasionally hear the sound of tyres pressing against the stone of the roads or heels scraping against the street, but that was it. My body lowered itself onto the cold balcony floor, I was no longer observing. I sighed and rested my head on my hands. Frustration and regret didn’t even begin to describe how I felt.

I looked down at his iPhone and saw the time, 3: 21 AM. Today’s events made me remember what Jayden said to me before I started school in year seven, “Boys always take advantage of your weaknesses, stay away from them and you’ll be sorted’”, I even remember the expression on his face. When Jayden had finished his piece Cole had added on “Don’t give them the opportunity, people will only ever see what you show them “.

I was only eleven, it all went over my head, I found their little speech amusing .But now I understand, I grasped the whole concept last year, with Davon. I wasn’t ready to let history repeat itself. No f*cking way. I’m not going to get hurt; I’m not putting myself in that position. Feelings don’t mean anything. At the end of the day, it’s your mind that suffers; it’s your brain that has to store all the painful memories. Feelings are just there to remind you it is all real.

The wind was blowing raindrops into my face; I wiped them away with my hands, looking up at the moon. I wasn’t thinking about us or what happened. I was more worried about Adam, I wasn’t trying to f*ck up his relationship with Daniel. If I could take it back I would, I honestly don’t know what I was thinking.

DANIEL: Can I have my phone

I looked up , Daniel had positioned himself next to the opening in the balconies’ glass doors. I almost smiled, but held it down. The frown line on his forehead deepened and a droplet of rain fell into a crease in his nose.

 If I wasn’t myself, I would have suffocated him with hugs and even kisses. Because I know that I’ve never seen a more attractive facial expression in my fifteen years. It made my stomach churn. I smiled because I was at least being honest with myself, now. I accepted how I felt; I just won’t be honest with anyone else.

My fingers felt for his phone. Making sure that our fingers didn’t touch, I held it up and released it into his palm.

DANIEL: I really don’t understand you.

I shrugged; I didn’t want to talk to him

DANIEL: You kissed me though Courtney

 Trying to block him out wasn’t working; every word he said would stick to my memory, moments after he said it .His eyes weren’t helping, they’re just so nice.

He kissed his teeth.

I buried my head in my hands; he was making this really difficult. I prayed that in the morning all of this emotional bullsh*t would wear off. I don’t do feelings, I don’t do kissing and I defiantly don’t do relationships. Not anymore.

ME: Can you take me home now

DANIEL: It’s three in the morning

ME: I know

He sighed and disappeared into his room.

….

Earlier on