DO NOT TOUCH! (COMPLETE)

Chapter 1

I knew it was a bad idea having a one night stand but seeing as I had no sex life whatsoever, rarely went out and was slightly pissed, it seemed like a good idea... at the time. It also seemed like the most amazing idea in the history of creation, when the guy I was shagging turned out not only to be 'gorgeous' but the owner of the most talented willy I'd ever had between my legs.

Ideally, I should have got up and left straight after sex but my legs were still in shock and my hips in need of replacement or at the very least Physiotherapy.

My friend had convinced me to come out. Convinced me to take a few shots. Convinced me go to the posh party. Convinced me to let Dean in my knickers. That is why Sharon was my best friend and the first person I called when despite using a condom... or two... (yes, twice)... I was sat holding a positive pregnancy stick and all the blood in my body was now at my feet, having fainted in shock for me!

There was a stupid moment where in the back of my mind I thought 'Oh my god the baby is going to be gorgeous with him as the father', whilst every other part of me was saying 'Shit, fuck... argghhhhh what am I going to do. I can't be pregnant... I don't want a baby... it was a one night stand!'

"Hello tramps face," Sharon answered happy as a pig in shit because she was all loved up with Jason whatshisface.

"Tramp is right," I half screeched. "I am holding a pregnancy test and it is positive!"

I heard her swallow and guessed she was waiting for the punchline to a joke I couldn't deliver.

"I am not joking. Elsie in the office is on at the same time as me. She asked if I had a spare tampon. She said she was just 'finishing' and hadn't remembered to put one in her bag. I am usually two days ahead of her, sometimes three... I am never four days after her! I just ran out of work and into the chemist like the Tasmanian devil going through pregnancy tests. I am now sat in the disabled toilet at work having a melt down as my wee has told this piece of plastic that I am pregnant. I've read the back of the packet and it says 99.6% accurate and yes I know that would turn some womens ovaries into celebratory maracas, but not mine!"

"Will you breathe?" Sharon yelled. "Just take a deep breath," she started to do it down the phone.

"Fuck off Sharon this is not a lamas class. I am up the duff by that gorgeous bastard from the other night!"

"At least you know it will be good looking if you keep it, some babies are ugly when born. It will probably come out looking like an Ann Geddes card."

I had to laugh as it was so similar to what I had thought.

"I assume you want me to ask Jason for Dean's number so you can give him the news?" she asked tentatively.

"No... Ohhh... I don't know. I suppose he should know but at the moment it is only wee on a stick and a late period."

"That means baby."

"I know, just let me get my head around it. Confirm it. Decide what I am going to do. I feel like I'm dropping a bomb on him."

"And that is exactly what you are doing. From what I can tell Dean's love life is lived 'crotch to crotch'. He doesn't hang around or have relationships, but he does have a matriarchal mother who will not appreciate his knocking you up. If she had her way she would stitch a condom on his willy."

"Well maybe that is where the hole came from as we definitely used one."

"It is easy for them to split and not to notice in all the stickiness of sex. Especially good drunk sex."

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Six weeks later I was stood outside Dean's office speaking to his receptionist. He had ignored my calls and she refused to make an appointment for me to see him.

"I'm not leaving!" I said loud enough to create a scene. She called security and had me 'removed'. BITCH!

As the security guard let go of my elbow and turned back towards the building, I decided there was only one thing for it... Bunny Boiler! I walked over to Dean's car and kicked the shit out of it. That should get his attention.

"You stupid bitch! What are you doing?" he yelled running out with security close behind.

He must have watched them escort me out! Grrrr! His car took another whooping.

"Stop!" he yelled running to protect his precious baby/car. Fury raged at the thought.

"Here!" I yelled throwing him the envelope in my hand with the scan picture in. "Would it have been too much trouble to answer one call Dean? Let me have two minutes of your time? Instead I have to come out here and kick shit out of your car so I can tell you I'm pregnant and give you the scan picture. Hardly civilised!"

He looked stunned, as I noted his light brown hair, green eyes and prefect features our baby would hopefully inherit. My brown hair was from a bottle, blue eyes like my father and my mums figure.

"I know we used protection but it must have split. I am just sorry that the father of my baby has now turned out to be the biggest dickhead I've ever come across. I just hope it inherits my moral compass and not yours. I'll end this conversation with a 'fuck you' and have a nice life."

I flipped him the bird and walked away as a woman came out screaming about 'her car'... whoops!