I still love him

Im just a broken girl still trying to recover from an evil mind game that had been played on my heart by the boy i regretablly love. Its only a matter of time until i heal ( will i ever heal?) but what makes this healing more unbareable is that he needlessly keeps telling me he misses me and must have me back, that hes changed. i fall for his love trap over and over again. but deep down i know its all lies, its just i cant help but belive them lies. Im unconditionally and irrevocably in love with him. All this "trying to forget and heal" isnt working, and now, all i have is the urge and need to see him. Am i really willing to go throught all that unbearable pain again? 

The thing that i hate most is that my heart still longs for him but at the same time aches becuase of him. Even after all this time has gone by, after all the hurt and pain he has put me through, a major part of me is straining and wants him standing by my side. Love cant just die like that, feelings dont just fade away.  A first love is the most memorable and unforgetable. No matter what heart shattering memories he left me with, i will still love him. I will still feel the urge of wanting to see his face again. The temptation is growing stronger. To feel the warmth of his skin against mine is a desire i cannot grasp at, only cause i am knowing that at the back of my mind i'll get hurt again. The black hole he carved into my chest deep into my heart rips open inches more, which reminds me of all the pain he caused me, but part of me grows numb to it, as if im immune to the pain and i feed off all the emotions.

As reckless as it is, as dumb as it seems, I will always have unconditional feelings for him buried and tucked away deep inside. Its only a matter of time until the feelings bursts loose. No matter how much pain he put me through, i need to see him again. I know that im setting my self up for heartbreak  and endless tears all over again. But, y'know... im in love, and you do crazy things when your in love.

Even though from all the pain he caused me, he has made me wiser at the same time, build walls around my heart. The thing is, I know if i see him again, these walls will just shatter into a million peices the moment i catch a glimpse of his perfectly formed face. My heart will be the easiest target for him to hit. I'll be fragile, fridgid and unprotected from his lies and games he revolves around my heart. 

Im feeling unsure and i need to seek clarity. I know that searching for his love is not the answer, but is it a risk i am willing to take? He is my guilty pleasure. As difficult as it is, Im trying to grow stronger and keep my heart at a distance. But at the same time it seems as if im waiting for the day that i will just shatter and fall apart. I miss you. I miss you and you're so far, and the vision of our kiss makes it so hard for me to let go of you and every moment i cherish.

my heart cant handle this...

"and after all that you've done, i hate the way that i dont hate you, not even close, not even a little bit, not even at all."