Love in a Time of Death

3 - My heart keeps beating like a hammer

And here's Chapter 3. Hope you like it! Let me know what you think! :)

The song for this chapter is Help I'm Alive by Metric.

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Jade hesitated for a long moment in front of the oppressive white building. She almost left three times before she was able to walk in. The hospital was buzzing with activity, filling her head with a dizzying whirlwind of images and noises. The shadow of a rattling stretcher raced down the hall and she unconsciously clenched her trembling hands into fists by her sides. 

It's not real. Jade breathed out slowly.

God she hated hospitals.

This one was just as clean and clinical as the others, with no fuss made for decoration except a single vase of flowers that stood oddly next to a dispenser of hand sanitiser. She shifted on her feet, looking around. The hospital staff were walking briskly from place to place, filled to the brim with purpose, so conditioned to their environment that they were untouched by all the raging, desperate emotions that kicked and screamed and bounced off the walls while their owners in the waiting area sat quiet and still and haggard. 

Well she was not untouched, and she did not want to move forward. She didn't belong with the detached and clinical staff, but she didn't belong with the hopeful and suffering loved ones in the waiting area either. Really, she had no idea what to do, except to stand in the entrance area like an idiot, it seemed.

Deep even breaths Jade, deep even breaths.

"Excuse me ma'am, can I help you?" asked the kindly receptionist, who must have taken pity on her.

Jade opened her mouth to speak, but then closed it with a snap. What was she going to say? 'Yeah actually I'm looking for a guy with stains on his suit and a face that looks like the world is falling to pieces. Oh, and I don't even know his name or why he's here. Could you take me to him please?'

Yeah...no.

Instead she mumbled something incoherent, and with cheeks burning walked back out the automatic front doors, leaving the receptionist staring after her with concern.

Not her brightest moment.

She lifted her face to the cool night air and let it brush softly against her skin, soothing her wrangled nerves, cooling her hot cheeks. She could leave right now if she wanted to, she could just drive around for a while and pretend like she'd gone to see him. No one would know, and she could forget the whole day ever happened. After the way she'd felt when she dropped him here earlier she was terrified. No, it was deeper and wider than just terrified. There were layers and cracks and crevasses that she couldn't even understand herself. All she knew was that she couldn't afford to get so close to losing it like that ever again. She was trying to move on, and that definitely didn't help. 

She took a step forward, and then stopped. The guy, he'd looked so...so...broken up inside. What if he didn't have anyone? There was that Liz lady, but she might be going through all the same things as him, did he have any support? If she walked away now...wouldn't that be a perfect example of what she hated about society? People were too scared to interact with, to help, others because it was just too abnormal, too out there, too awkward. Other people were looking, judging. It was a quiet and orderly oppression of the masses, by the masses, and she was in it. 

Jade rubbed her hands over her face with a sigh of frustration. Damn it. Why did the right thing to do have to be exactly what she didn't want to do?

Shooting furtive glances left and right, Jade verified that no one was in the immediate vicinity. Then she jumped around in a full circle and shook herself out like a regular golden retriever. She breathed in deeply and expelled it in a rush, trying to relax her body, which was so tense it was getting frighteningly close to resembling a plank of wood.