Bookkeeper in a Brothel
A magazine that wished to honor him was interviewing a very rich, self-made businessman. He told the reporter that when he'd first came to the city he'd tried to get a job as a bookkeeper in a brothel, but had been kicked out when the Madam realized he couldn't read or write. On the streets he began selling fruit, then later opened a grocery, then a whole string of grocery stores all across the country. At the end of the interview the reporter was shocked to learn the man still couldn't read or write and said "Wow, just imagine what you'd have become if you'd learned to read and write." The businessman replied, "Well, I expect I'd have been a bookkeeper in a whorehouse."


The Cabbage Patch Tragedy
A woman washed cabbage in the washing machine and damaged it badly. Since they were so difficult to come buy she sent it back to the company hoping it could be repaired. A few weeks later she received a death-certificate in the mail, and a bill for the funeral.


The Dishonest Note
A man returned from shopping to find his car had been badly dented, and the culprit was nowhere in sight. As he got closer he felt relieved when he saw a note had been placed under his windshield-wiper. Laughing at himself for doubting the honesty of the average person, he pulled the note loose and read it, it said:"THE PEOPLE WATCHING ME THINK I'M LEAVING MY NAME AND ADDRESS, BUT I'M NOT."


The Fart in the Car
A woman was very nervous about her first date with a man she'd been attracted to for a long time. When he came to her door, she started to feel gassy and realized the chili she'd had for lunch had been a bad idea. Being gentlemen, he carefully put her in the car and shut the door for her, as he walked around to his side, she farted loudly and quickly opened the window and began fanning. She was horrified when he got in and pointed to the back seat saying, "Have you met Ruth and Bob?"
Old vs. Young
An old lady was waiting for a car to pull out of a parking space at a crowded grocery store one day. When the car pulled out another car pulled in front of her, and into the space. The teenager hopped out of the car and said to the old woman, "I'm younger and faster, lady." The old lady sits there for a second, and then rams the kid's car. As she backs up and gets ready to drive away she tells the teenager: "I'm older and better insured, kid."


Red Handed
A drunk driver was pulled over by a police officer late one night. As he was trying to walk a straight line, there was a crash from a nearby alley and the policeman told the drunk to wait while he checked it out. After waiting about ten minutes the drunk decided it was silly to wait, and drove home. The next morning the police officer knocked on his door. The driver stuck to the story that he'd been at home all evening and the policeman demanded he open the garage door. The man obliged wondering what the policeman hoped to find. He realized his mistake when he saw the police car in his garage.


The Charred Scuba Diver
To help put out forest-fire helicopters sometimes scoop large containers of water out of lakes and oceans to dump on the blazes. During one such occasion a man enjoying a bit of scuba diving was accidentally scooped up and dropped into the burning trees.


The Crash
A young girl had decided to sneak out of the house to go to a party her protective parents wouldn't allow her to go to. While she was there she hooked up with a guy she liked and they went to a local make-out spot. The guy was drinking heavily and when he got too demanding she insisted on him taking her back to the party. On the way back they crashed into another vehicle. When the girl awoke in the hospital she knew she was dying, she was told that they guy she'd been with had died in the accident and so had the couple in the other car. She begged a nurse to tell her parents that she was very sorry she'd disobeyed them, the nurse just looked at her. After the girl died another nurse asked why she hadn't said anything with the teen had asked her to give the message to her parents. The nurse said, "I didn't know what to say, the people in the other car were her parents." -Submitted by Jesus


Curses, Broiled Again!
A woman decided at the last minute to get a quick tan for a special occasion. When she found out about the limits the salons set on their tanning beds, she signed up at several different tanning salons. A few days later, her husband told her she "smelled funny". She showered and showered but the smell wouldn't go away. When she finally went to the doctor he ran some tests and told her: "I'm sorry, it seems you've microwave your internal organs, there's nothing we can do for you."