I know what you really want to say...(a poem on anorexia)

"I thought you were on a diet."

Your eyes trace over the food on my dinner plate

And then you look at me, and I want to run

and hide.

There are things I hope for besides to be thin.

And besides to be beautiful.

Things you don't know about, things no one will ever know about.

...I sometimes wish I could fly

Isn't that silly?

But it's true.

I wish I had wings.

So I could soar.

Far away

From you and from your words.

And from your thoughts most of all.

Drifting forever, letting the wind catch my wings when I feel that I'm about to fall.

You're younger than me, smaller than me.

But this power you hold over me is undeniable.

"That's what I thought too." I whisper.

I know what you're thinking.

I know.

And I hate it.

But I can't help that I know

I can't help that I hear it.

Over and over like a broken record...

Someone shut it off.

Why won't someone shut it off?

But they can't, only I have the power to stop it.

To make the criticism stop.

Gone forever.

It sounds like a beautiful idea...

A Fairytale, of some sort.

But I won't shut it off.

I want to hear it.

And now look at yourself, you're thinking.

Sitting here on this couch stuffing your face.

Pig. Fat. Revolting.

You don't want to say it, but isn't thinking it almost the same?

Almost..

But it's not the same as hearing you say what you really want to say.

Not the same was watching your lips form the words.

Not the same as knowing what you want to say and then hearing it from the source.

If you would say how you really felt out loud then maybe it would be easier.

So much easier to accept how you really feel about me.

Because then maybe I could understand why I feel so different.

Why I feel so alone when I'm surrounded by people that have declared their love to me....

Your thoughts.

Their thoughts.

Knowing them.

It hurts.

It cuts.

It scars.

Just like when you cut the ham so neatly that Thanksgiving, clean slice after clean slice.

You didn't serve me any, because you assumed I wouldn't want it.

What you don't know is that I did, I did want it.

Just a small peice.

But I couldn't take it

Because then your thoughts would just haunt me.

Kind of like now...

I can't focus on anything else.

Just those seven little words.

Seven little words that seem harmless..

Seven little words that are meaningless by themselves.

I thought you were on a diet.

Just seven words.

I thought you were on a diet.

What you haven't realized is that they have become embedded in my mind.

They have become me.

So I stand up, my plate still half full

And plaster a smile on my face.

Then I lie.

I lie to everyone around me and say that I'm full.

That I couldn't eat another bite, when really I wish I could.

When really this hunger is nawing at my stomach, begging for me to eat.

Just a bite, just a nibble.

And I wish I could satisfy it, and satisfy myself.

But I know what you really meant.

I know what you really want to say.

I know.

I thought you were on a diet.