Late at night I lay in bed looking up at the stars and I think: Where the Heck is the ceiling?
Roses are red, Facebook is blue, no mutual friends? Who the heck are you?
Don't take life TOO seriously—nobody ever gets out alive anyway.
I'm not weird! I'm limited edition!
Hello. I am whiteboard marker. And I love you.
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I'm a vegetarian because I hate plants.
Most people use their smart phones to do dumb things.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
The movie 2012 is going to be really funny when we are watching it in 2013.
The kids across the street challenged me to a water fight, so I'm currently boiling the water.
It is one thing to pee in the lake, but it is another thing entirely to pee in the lake and tell the person next to you that you just peed in the lake.
Those moments when you are laughing so hard no sound comes out and you just sit there clapping like a retarded seal.
I hate when you look in your closet for clothes and find Narnia instead.
I have six locks on my door all in a row, and when I leave I only lock three. I figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they'll always be locking three.
If your parents never had kids, chances are you won't either.
A unicorn is someone who knows they're magical and isn't afraid to admit it.
Newscasters are the only people who say good evening then proceed to explain why it is not.
No! Don't eat me! I have a wife and kids at home...eat them!
Have you ever been walking down the street and realized you're going in the complete opposite direction of where you're supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to do something first like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you're crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.
A girl decides to do a puzzle so she grabs the puzzle and pours out all the pieces and tries to put them together. After a while she gets frustrated and calls her boyfriend... Her boyfriend says, “Honey? Whats wrong?” she replies, “I'm trying to put a puzzle together but I can't do it. Her boyfriends says patiently, “Well look at the picture in front and tell me what it looks like. The girl answers, “Okay...well the background is blue and there is a tiger on it. Her boyfriend sighs. “Honey...put the cornflakes back in the box.”
A husband says to his wife: "Honey look at that yellow lab over there...I think it's dying." The wife took one look and replied: "Dear, that's Gwenyth Paltrow, and she's fine."
Funny or not funny? FUNNY!