101 Jobs to make you appreciate your own more
by Lindsay O'Conner

Dear working-stiffs of the world,

I see you sitting listlessly, slumped back in your office chair with your foot violently twitching as if it was begging to be liberated from your work-appropriate, closed-toed loafer. You stare blankly at the florescent lights, praying for blindness as the phone begins to crassly ring and you think, "No more customer calls. Morons, they are all morons!" But no - it is your idiot boss callously calling you on the intercom to appear in his office at once.

You slowly rise from your cube/cave, wipe the drivel from the corner of your mouth, and attempt to look awake. You enter into your boss's plush, sun-kissed suite. And then he informs you that you are to work overtime tonight and through the rest of the week...and that you may need to work on the weekend.

Internally, you revolt, gnash your teeth, flip him off, and run around hysterically mad and flustered. But externally, you agree. After all, you are but a weary worker, an office monkey, dancing to the grind of the office organ.

But remember: it could always be worse.

Take solace in this one truth: the grass isn't always greener on the other side of the fence. In fact, sometimes it is brown, a little smelly, with feces strewn across the 'scape.

Trust me on this one; you're very lucky to have your job. I assure you that you will find some joy in your daily drudge after reading below. Without further adieu, here are 101 Jobs to make you appreciate your own more.

1-Locksmith: Sure you get to pick locks, but what if those locks are to handcuffs wrapped around your mother and father's bed post?

2-Greeter at Wal-Mart: You would be ignored, shunned, or possibly spit on. Spit is hard to get out of a blue, canvas vest.

3-Cage cleaner at the zoo: Two words: Elephant dung.

4-Restaurant Health Inspector: After you discover your favorite restaurant has roaches in the restroom, how do you cope?

5-Traffic Cop: No one likes a traffic cop. If you don't enjoy being accosted by angry motorists, this is not for you.

6-Elevator maintenance man: Should something go wrong on the 10th floor while working, your number is up.

7- Chuck E Cheese Employee: See number 11.

8-Bikini Waxer: Unless you're a sadist, bikini waxing is a woman's worst nightmare: A woman with a hot pot of wax and a kung-fu grip.

9-Hospital Cleaner/Disinfector: Staph infections are on the rise. Please pass the airborne.

10-Witch or Warlock Assistant: Bats blood and eye of newt are hard to get out of linen.

11-Day Care Worker: You would be inundated with brats with snot and moistness on their grubby little hands! Sure, children are cute...cute until you catch an obscure illness every other week.

12-British Bobbi: English law enforcement can not brandish or carry firearms. But what if a criminal does?

13-Brittany Spears' Publicist: You are working over time these days.

14-Military Medic: Oh, the things you will see!

15-Restaurant Cook: You don't even get to eat the food!

16-Slaughterhouse Employee: You would come home every night looking like a mass-murder suspect.

17-Maid: Let's face it, people are slobs. Unless you enjoy scrubbing toilets and getting hit on by the home owner as he lives out his maid fantasy, perhaps you should stick with your current job.

18-High School Guidance Councilor: Not only would you have to sit through sessions with confused high school kids reeking of reefer, but you would have to deal with over zealous parents. High school sucked; don't go back to the memories.

19-Terrorist Negotiators: There are only so many things you can provide a terrorist in exchange for the hostages. After all, Girl Scout cookies only come out once a year.

20-Flatulence Analyst: What's to analyze? What the flatuatee had for breakfast?

21-Barnyard Masturbator: Read that slowly, let the images drip through your little brain. No details are needed for this job other than to mention that horses kick at speeds of up to 100 miles per hour.

22-Mosquito Researcher: Bring a mighty big can of Raid and hope they find a vaccine for West Nile Virus.

23-Victoria's Secret Lingerie Model Fitter: Just kidding!

24-Carcass Cleaner: Road-kill isn't appetizing.

25-Highway Patrol: It is dangerous work, and you're likely to be accosted by an angry guy late for work. No better way to start the day than by pissing someone off.

26-Roofer: One wrong step and buh-bye.