Middle-Lane Drivers' Manifesto

1 Other motorway users DO NOT COUNT – why on earth should they? It's not as if they're among my Facebook friends or even my real ones.

2 The use of all three lanes is simply too inconvenient to consider – I could risk repetitive strain of my fingertips on that bothersome indicator switch.

3 A constant stream of so-called-middle-lane-hoggers should serve to fence-in those foolish folk who contantly overtake (like a bunch of hyperactive bunnies).

4 There is nothing more obstinate among overtaking stick-in-the-muds than those who persist in barging into OUR lane whenever circumstances change in theirs: if you can't stand the heat, hog the hard shoulder or something!

5 There is nothing less amusing than 2 motorists overtaking our stupid arses simultaneously along the outside and inside lanes – it's not big, clever or even observed half the time, so why highlight our crappy conduct?

6 I may be a lazy, inconsiderate and self-centred waste of space with poor driving ability to boot but it's my road tax and therefore my road - if you really wish to get philosophical about the matter, why are there no fines?

8) Ah, there shall be soon - how perfectly spiteful of the other 71% (and the Nanny State).

7 Most accidents are due to overtaking by those who manoeuvre between the slow, suitable and speeding lanes - need I say more?

8 Most road rage probably occurs when restless drivers get all tetchy towards our paralysis at the wheel but as with everything else: that's their problem.

9 Look - if I really have to overtake, I do: some motorists have no concept of maintaining the proper pace of their chosen lane.

10 Besides, why should I be seen in a lane so often frequented by slow vehicles? Do you know how much I make in a month? Well, it's more than that lot could muster in 3 or 4 years (really it is) so let's not mix crap with cream.

11. Anyway, if I made use of the inside lane, I might never get out again; what with that constant stream of … erm!

12 Those slip roads spew traffic straight at you (every so often) and I'm sure the emerging drivers appreciate our inability to respond to a changing situation … for a few hundred yards at least.

13 Alright, in case you may not have inferred as much by now, I couldn't possibly have contemplated the above considerations; or anything else beyond my own blinkered, self-absorbed and phenomenally lame little existence but each to their own – LANE!

14 Anyway, I've left you two perfectly useable lanes ... there's no pleasing some, is there?

15 We're not all bozos by the way: some of us are accomplished c*nts!