Reading the Cards

Renee was awake. She knew she was awake because the tears were starting to fall. It didn’t matter if she opened her eyes or not, they would fall regardless. They always did. Roughly brushing the tears away with the back of her hand, Renee cracked open her eyes to look at the time. Agh, time to get up and face the world. Why did life have to go on?

Pushing the same argument which she had with herself every day away, Renne flung aside the blankets and forced her body to its feet. The movements came easy to her now, like some machine set on auto pilot, Renee started getting ready for work. She took no pleasure in the hot water mingling with tears, as it ran down her body. She didn’t take pleasure in anything anymore. How could she? Right where her heart should be, was a gaping huge hole. This hole sucked out any ounce of happiness, leaving a vast black engulfing void. She couldn’t even recall what it was like being complete. Perhaps because she never has been, only black then she didn’t know she wasn’t whole like everyone else. Ignorance truly was bliss! Renee would give anything to go back to those days when she was oblivious to the fact that she was broken.

Banishing unobtainable wishes from her mind, Renee turned the water off and tried to focus on getting prepared for work. Her mind had a bad habit of dwelling on painful thoughts she could neither cast from her, nor do anything about. Such thoughts and wishes were useless at the moment. All they did was produce tears and Renee could not walk into work with puffy, red eyes.  One look at her and everyone would be tripping over their tongues expressing their sorrow for her current situation with eyes full of pity. It was those pity filled glances she hated the most. She didn’t want their pity. She wanted them to leave her alone! The best way to be left alone, she had discovered was to smile. It didn’t matter if the smile was fake, no one paid enough attention to determine if the smile plastered across your face was authentic or not. It was one of the small comforts this world still offered Renee.

Make up done, Renee stumbled out to the kitchen, where she promptly made herself a slice of toast and a coffee. The coffee she enjoyed. It was dark and bitter, a reflection of her life. She could have done without the toast, it only tasted like cardboard to Renee anyway. Emotionlessly, Renee tore off a corner and popped it in her mouth. The dry toast scratched around in her mouth sucking up any moisture in its path before being forced down her throat by reluctant muscles.

Renee had long ago lost her appetite, it had fled with everything good in her life.  Emptying the coffee cup in as few gulps as possible, Renee enjoyed the burning feeling which made its way down her throat to her stomach. This pain was good. This pain was a distraction from the ache of the void.

Slamming the cup on the sink harsher than she meant, Renee turned her back on the unfinished toast and snatched up her keys off the bench. Time to go to work. Time to pretend everything was fine.