Humorous Quotes That I Like

1) When they asked George Washington for his ID, he just took out a quarter.

2) I don't kill flies but I like to mess with their minds. I hold them above globes. They freak out and yell, 'Whoa, I'm way too high!'

3) You have to stay in shape. My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.

4) Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

5) Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former.

6) Like math? We could add a bed, subtract our clothes, divide our legs, and multiply!

7) Question: If you could live forever, would you and why?

Answer: I would not live forever, because we should not live forever, because if we were supposed to live forever, then we would live forever, but we cannot live forever, which is why I would not live forever.

8) Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

9) Wherever I go, people are waving at me. Maybe if I do a good job, they'll use all their fingers.

10) As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

11) I mean, life is tough. It takes up a lot of your time. What do you get at the end of it? A Death. What's that, a bonus? I think the life cycle is all backwards. You should die first, get it out of the way. Then you live in an old age home. You get kicked out when you're too young, you get a gold watch and you go to work. You work forty years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement. You do drugs, alcohol, you party, you get ready for high school. You go to grade school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities. You become a little baby, you go back into the womb, spend your last nine months floating... and you finish off as an orgasm.

12) I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work.

13) Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

14) It matters not whether you win or lose; what matters is whether I win or lose.

15) Lady Astor: "Mr. Churchill, you're drunk!" Winston Churchill: "Yes, and you, Madam, are ugly. But tomorrow, I shall be sober."

I tried to think but nothing happened!

16) If I were two-faced, would I be wearing this one?

18) I must be wishing on someone else's star because it seems someone else is always getting what I wished for.

19) A wise man washes his hands after he pees. A wiser man doesn't pee on his hands.

20) Today is the tomorrow we worried about yesterday.

21) If two wrongs don't make a right, try three.

22) Eat Well, Stay Fit, Die Anyway.

23) I only know how to do things 3 ways: the WRONG way. the RIGHT way. and MY way. Which is really the WRONG way, only faster!

24) The Next Time You Think You're Perfect, Try Walking On Water.

25) "I need something down my throat... and no it's not your tongue, sorry" .

26) They say I have A.D.D. they just don't understand... Oh look a squirrel!

27) Time is never wasted when your wasted all the time!?

28) Let's talk about Rights and Lefts.. Your Right! I left!

29) "I'm not here. Cry me a river, build me a bridge, then do us all a favor and jump off of it! "

30) I am not available because I am looking at porn that takes up the whole computer screen

31) I spent all day thinking about a cool away message and this is what I came up with: NOTHING

32) How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

33) I left for a bath, dont reply or else your words will sink in my bath.

34) I'm busy, your ugly. Have a nice day! :)

35) While I am Gone...Smile it's the 2nd best thing you can do with your Lips...

36) How many times do I have to shoot you before you die?

37) Life is a waste of time. Time is a waste of life. So lets all get wasted and have the time of our lives!

38) I don't care who you are, Fatso. Get the reindeer off my roof!

39) I knew it! I'm surrounded by assholes!

40) Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege.

Comment, Vote, Fan if you like. :) 

Don't worry about the song and picture. I wanted to put them there for show. :)