How Do You Stop?

I’m so angry with myself,

so frustrated.

The one person who’s supposed to really “get you,”

know everything about you,

make you laugh,

make you smile,

is your best friend.

My best friend does “get me,”

does know everything about me,

does make me laugh,

smile,

but that’s only when we text.

When we try and hang out,

just the two of us,

we spend our time in silence.

Not the awkward kind of silence,

but the good kind,

the kind you sometimes need,

but don’t want too much of.

It’s funny how when we text,

we can talk about anything under the sun,

joke about everything,

and there are no hard feelings,

or at least not for long.

But then when we are face-to-face,

we talk about little,

and joke about nothing.

I hate the fact that it’s me that causes all of the silences,

not him.

I hate that I don’t have the guts to be myself around him.

And I would love to just say that I’m shy,

which I am,

and move on from it,

but it’s not that simple,

or easy.

I’ve been told that the that the shyness is because I still like him,

and I know it’s true,

but I don’t want it to be.

We discussed the fact that I liked him a long time ago,

and when he told me that he didn’t like me back,

I thought I would be jolted out of liking him,

but I wasn’t.

I even tried to find an Italian summer romance,

but I couldn’t bring myself to talk to any cute guys,

even though I was being challenged.

And throughout all of this,

I finally got over him,

or so I thought,

but now I know that I just suppressed my feelings,

hiding them from myself and him,

to keep us as only friends,

I think more for his sake than mine.

He already has a girlfriend,

so what he needs is a friend,

a best friend,

not a groupie.

And I myself want so badly to just be friends,

the best friends we already are,

and nothing more,

but I just can’t get over him.

I don’t know how to.