*** Christmas Time ***
"The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband." Joan Rivers.
"The Supreme Court has ruled that they cannot have a nativity scene in Washington, D.C. This wasn't for any religious reasons. They couldn't find three wise men and a virgin." Jay Leno.
"There has been only one Christmas - the rest are anniversaries." W.J. Cameron.
"I once bought my kids a set of batteries for Christmas with a note on it saying, toys not included." Bernard Manning.
"There is a remarkable breakdown of taste and intelligence at Christmastime. Mature, responsible grown men wear neckties made of holly leaves and drink alcoholic beverages with raw egg yolks and cottage cheese in them." P.J. O'Rourke.
"Never worry about the size of your Christmas tree. In the eyes of children, they are all 30 feet tall." Larry Wilde.
"Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas." Johnny Carson.
"Oh look, yet another Christmas TV special! How touching to have the meaning of Christmas brought to us by cola, fast food, and beer.... Who'd have ever guessed that product consumption, popular entertainment, and spirituality would mix so harmoniously?" Bill Watterson.
"Next to a circus there ain't nothing that packs up and tears out faster than the Christmas spirit." Kin Hubbard.
"Once again we find ourselves enmeshed in the Holiday Season, that very special time of year when we join with our loved ones in sharing centuries-old traditions such as trying to find a parking space at the mall. We traditionally do this in my family by driving around the parking lot until we see a shopper emerge from the mall, then we follow her, in very much the same spirit as the Three Wise Men, who 2,000 years ago followed a star, week after week, until it led them to a parking space." Dave Barry.
"From a commercial point of view, if Christmas did not exist it would be necessary to invent it." Katharine Whitehorn.
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph." Shirley Temple.
"Christmas is a time when kids tell Santa what they want and adults pay for it. Deficits are when adults tell the government what they want and their kids pay for it." Richard Lamm.
"Nothing's as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas." Kin Hubbard.
"Christmas begins about the first of December with an office party and ends when you finally realize what you spent, around April fifteenth of the next year." P.J. O'Rourke.
"The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other." Johnny Carson.
"Christmas is a time when you get homesick - even when you're home." Carol Nelson.
"What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day." Phyllis Diller.
"People can't concentrate properly on blowing other people to pieces if their minds are poisoned by thoughts suitable to the twenty-fifth of December." Ogden Nash.
"In the old days, it was not called the Holiday Season; the Christians called it 'Christmas' and went to church; the Jews called it 'Hanukkah' and went to synagogue; the atheists went to parties and drank. People passing each other on the street would say 'Merry Christmas!' or 'Happy Hanukkah!' or (to the atheists) 'Look out for the wall!'" Dave Barry.
*** Happy Birthday To You ***
"A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age." Robert Frost.
"Inside every older person is a younger person wondering what happened." Jennifer Yane.
"Birthdays are good for you. Statistics show that the people who have the most live the longest." Larry Lorenzoni.
"I'm sixty years of age. That's 16 Celsius." George Carlin.
"Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty." Robert Frost.
"There is still no cure for the common birthday." John Glenn.
"Live as long as you may. The first twenty years are the longest half of your life." Robert Southey.
"Looking fifty is great - if you're sixty." Joan Rivers.
"The best birthdays of all are those that haven't arrived yet." Robert Orben.
"Just remember, once you're over the hill you begin to pick up speed." Charles Schulz.
*** Mothers Day ***
"A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." Tenneva Jordan.