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Funny Love & Relationships Quotes


*** Love & Marriage ***

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry.

"There is one thing I would break up over and that is if she caught me with another woman. I wouldn't stand for that." Steve Martin.

"Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife." Groucho Marx

"In married life three is company and two none." Oscar Wilde

"It was a perfect marriage. She didn't want to and he couldn't." Spike Milligan

"My advice to you is get married: if you find a good wife you'll be happy; if not, you'll become a philosopher." Socrates.

"The General was essentially a man of peace, except of course in his domestic affairs." Oscar Wilde

"Love is temporary insanity curable by marriage." Ambrose Bierce

"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury." Groucho Marx

"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe." Jimmy Durante.

"Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse." Groucho Marx

"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays." Henry Youngman.

"If we take matrimony at it's lowest, we regard it as a sort of friendship recognised by the police." Robert Louis Stevenson.

"If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question?" Lilly Tomlin.

"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means." George Burns.

"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." Oscar Wilde

"My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman. Still, I've got another three goes." Sally Poplin.

"Mom & Pop were just a couple of kids when they got married. He was eighteen, she was sixteen and I was three." Billie Holiday.

"Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other who never forgets them." Ogden Nash.

"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close knit family in another city." George Burns.

"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Marriage is like putting your hand into a bag of snakes in the hope of pulling out an eel." Leonardo Di Vinci.

"I'm the only man in the world with a marriage licence made out to whom it may concern." Mickey Rooney.

"A married man should forget his mistakes; no use two people remembering the same thing." Duane Dewel.

"The secret of a successful marriage is not to be at home too much." Colin Chapman.

"In my house I'm the boss, my wife is just the decision maker." Woody Allen

"I've had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn't." Patrick Murray.

"I wouldn't be caught dead marrying a woman old enough to be my wife." Tony Curtis.

"A woman voting for divorce is like a turkey voting for Christmas." Alice Glynn.

"The appropriate age for marriage is around eighteen for girls and thirty-seven for men." Aristotle.

*** About Women ***

"Women should be obscene and not heard." Groucho Marx

"What would men be without women? Scarce, sir, mighty scarce." Mark Twain

"Whatever women do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult." Charlotte Whitton.

"I hate housework. You make the beds, you wash the dishes and six months later you have to start all over again." Joan Rivers.

"Women complain about PMS, but I think of it as the only time of the month when I can be myself." Roseanne Barr.

"Last week I stated that this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister and now wish to withdraw that statement." Mark Twain

"A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke." Groucho Marx

"Wild horses couldn't drag a secret out of a woman. However, women seldom have lunch with wild horses." Ivern Boyett.

"Women: Can't live with them, can't bury them in the back yard without the neighbours seeing." Sean Williamson.

"If a woman insists on being called Ms, ask her if it stands for miserable." Russell Bell.

"Show me a woman who doesn't feel guilt and I'll show you a man." Erica Jong.

"I only know that people call me a feminist whenever I express sentiments that differentiate me from a doormat or a prostitute." Rebecca West.

"As long as a woman can look ten years younger than her own daughter, she is perfectly satisfied." Oscar Wilde

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