*** General Celebrity Nonsense ***

"Some mornings, it's just not worth chewing through the leather straps." Emo Philips

"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so." Douglas Adams.

"The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans are suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they're okay, then it's you." Rita Mae Brown.

"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight." George Gobol.

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields.

"There's so much pollution in the air now that if it weren't for our lungs there'd be no place to put it all." Robert Orben.

"Not only is life a bitch, it has puppies." Adrienne Gusoff.

"We live in an age when pizza gets to your home before the police." Jeff Marder.

"If your parents never had children, chances are you won't either." Dick Cavett.

"I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets." Dave Edison.

"Did you ever walk in a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives." Sue Murphy.

"Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem.Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash." Jerry Seinfeld.

"You can tell German wine from vinegar by the label" Mark Twain

"An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex." Edgar Wallace.

"A Lawyer will do anything to win a case, sometimes he will even tell the truth." Patrick Murray.

"This is the sixth book I've written, which isn't bad for a guy who's only read two." George Burns.

"I like children - fried." W.C. Fields.

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her." Sacha Guitry.

"Some are born great, some achieve greatness, and some hire PR officers." Daniel J. Boorstin.

"A sure cure for seasickness is to sit under a tree." Spike Milligan

"If bullshit was music, that fellow would be a brass band." Paddy Crosbie.

"The Irish gave the bagpipes to the Scotts as a joke, but the Scotts haven't seen the joke yet." Oliver Herford.

"All are lunatics, but he who can analyse his delusions is called a philosopher" Ambrose Bierce.

"Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff." Steven Wright

"You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone." Al Capone.

"I went to a fight the other night and a hockey game broke out." Rodney Dangerfield.

"Sarah Brightman couldn't act scared on the New York subway at 4 o'clock in the morning." Joel Segal.

"The most hazardous part of our expedition to Africa was crossing Piccadilly Circus." Joseph Thomson.

"No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas." Ashleigh Brilliant.

"Life is a sexually transmitted disease and the mortality rate is one hundred percent." R.D. Laing.

"I rob banks because that's where the money is." Willie Sutton.

"A bore is a man who, when you ask him how he is, tells you." B.L. Taylor.

"Only one man ever understood me, and he didn't understand me." G.W. Hegel.

"Sleep is an excellent way of listening to an opera." James Stephens.

"To write a diary every day is like returning to one's own vomit." Enoch Powell.

"It's not enough to succeed. Others must fail." Gore Vidal.

"If you've got them by the balls their hearts and minds will follow." John Wayne.

"You cannot have everything. I mean, where would you put it?" Steven Wright

"The trouble with children is that they're not returnable." Quentin Crisp.

"Where there is no patrol car, there is no speed limit." Peter Beckmann.

*** Celebrity Insults ***

"A fellow with the inventiveness of Albert Einstein but with the attention span of Daffy Duck." Tom Shales talking about Robin Williams

"When they asked Jack Benny to do something for the Actor's Orphanage - he shot both his parents and moved in." Bob Hope talking about Jack Benny

"Martin's acting is so inept that even his impersonation of a lush seems unconvincing." Harry Medved on Dean Martin

"Boy George is all England needs - another queen who can't dress." Joan Rivers

"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally." WC Fields.

"He moves like a parody between a majorette girl and Fred Astaire." Truman