The Baby Whisperer [ON HOLD]

Chapter 4: The Liar, the Bιtch and the Warzone

Dedicated to Lexipedia because (1) she is an awesomely hilarious writer and (2) I (Chompy) unknowingly named Oliver after my future husband (aka her brother). But Lex’s brother isn’t a jerk like the Oliver you all read about here.

Picture of Luna (Avery Phillips) and Fred (Haley Joel Osment) in the sidebar.

Song of the chapter: Ingrid Michaelson's This is War

We have big news -- check the post-chapter A/N for the details.

Theo Dawson - July 15, 2013 (Monday)

I won't surrender, I will fight better. You lock me out, you knock me down. But I will find my way around. I won't surrender. This is war.... I will run until I can't run anymore. Someone's  got to lose -- it's not gonna be this girl this time.

For the past five minutes, I’d been buried underneath the comforter in an attempt to keep myself from getting up -- it was pointless though. Like I said, I had the superpower of getting up at six AM -- or whenever the sun rose.

Dear Mr. Sun,

Thank you for all the work you do with photosynthesis and keeping everyone from freezing their αѕѕeѕ off -- but please stop waking me up.

Sincerely

Theo I-actually-would-like-to-try-sleeping-in-one-time Dawson

I sat up, stretched and made the bed.

To add to all my weirdness, I’m also quite neat -- nowhere near OCD level but still a hell of a lot neater than your run-of-the-mill high school student.

I propped a hand on my hip and surveyed the purple-themed guest room.

If I were a gigantic мαɴ-wнore, where would I not go looking for money?

Then it hit me.

Even if he was -- to put it lightly -- well-acquainted with a woman's nether regions, Oliver Wood was still male and like every male on the planet, he had a fear of all things related to that time of the month. I picked up the box of tampons I brought with me and shoved all but a few twenties of the money I’d been given to the bottom, a big smirk on my face.

Now that that was done, I put on my jeans from yesterday, pulled my hair up into a ponytail and went downstairs to clean up the kitchen.

I know I said I’d sooner hang out with the worst of the Greek monsters before cleaning up after Oliver Wood; but I was making the kitchen the one exception to that promise.

For one, Oliver probably never lifted a finger to clean anything in his life and wouldn’t know the business end of a broom even if I shoved one up his αѕѕ -- which, believe me, I’ve been seriously contemplating.

For another, I needed to cook breakfast and goodness knows what horny teenage germs were currently breeding in the kitchen. Luna, Fred and I might just drop dead the moment we ate anything that came out of the kitchen in the state it was in now -- mostly because we didn’t have Oliver’s antibodies against all diseases sexually-related.

The Woods’ kitchen was designed with functionality in mind. On one side of the room were the varnished countertops and stainless steel appliances. A kitchen counter-island separated the work area from the rectangular kitchen table and matching chairs on the other side of the room. One wall was made entirely of glass and gave a full view of the Wood's backyard and pool.

Right now though, that backyard looked like a warzone.

I squared my shoulders and got to work on making the currently trashed kitchen squeaky clean.