Random one liners that will make you cry with laughter

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hey guys its here, just a few random one liners to get u guys giggling enjoy (warning not for the faint hearted,

Iv been training as a cage fighter, iv got my first big fight is coming up next week,.....the budgie wont know whats hit it.

Iv always hated those orange looking girls in the department stores, displaying there fake tan and saying it natural its natural!....not unless your father slept with a wotsit!

how the hell does paper beat rock? here you throw a rock at me and il defend myself with a bit of paper!

If u shoot a mime, do you need to use a silencencer?

Some people say im special...i prefer to think of myself as a 'limited addition'

Iv just been barred from B and Q, some guy walked up to me in an orange apron and asked if i wanted decking, lucky for me i got the first punch in!

I just got a job with the samaritans the others day, i tried to phone in sick, but the idiots talked me out of it.

100,000 sperm and you were the fastest?

A day without sunshine is like, night.

A blonde texts her friend asking what "IDK" stands for, the friend texts back saying "i dont know". the blonde sighs aloud and shakes her head "nobody does"

Eagles may soar, but we dont get sucked into jet engines.

Error no keyboard, press F1 to continue.

Im not a vegetarian because i love animals, im a vegetarian because i hate plants.

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says "If an emergency, notify:" I put "DOCTOR". What's my mother going to do?

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well

When in doubt, mumble

When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water

You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think of you often

Whoever coined the phrase "Quiet as a mouse" has never stepped on one

Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine

Next time you wave, use all your fingers

Female responses to cheesy pick up lines:

Man: So what do you do for a living? 

Woman: I'm a female impersonator.

 

Man: Hey, baby, what's your sign? 

Woman: Do not Enter

Man: I know how to please a woman. 

Woman: Then please leave me alone.

Man: I want to give myself to you. 

Woman: Sorry, I don't accept cheap gifts.

Man: I can tell that you want me. 

Woman: Ohhhh. You're so right. I want you.....to leave.

Man: If I could see you naked, I'd die happy: 

Woman: Yeah, but if I saw you naked, I'd probably die  

laughing.

Man: Hey cutie, how 'bout you and I hitting the hot spots? 

Woman: Sorry, I don't date outside my species.

Letters from santa (Lol)...

Dear Santa, 

I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! 

Love, Sarah

Dear Sarah, 

Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? 

Santa

Dear Santa, 

I want a new bike, a PlayStation, a train, some G.I. Joes, a dog, a drum kit, a pony, and a tuba. 

Love, Francis

Dear Francis, 

Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? 

Santa

 

Dear Santa,  

I wud like a kool toy space ranjur for Xmas. Iv ben a good boy all yeer. 

YeR FReND, BiLLy

Dear Billy, 

Nice spelling. You're on your way to being a career lawncare specialist. How 'bout I send you a dictionary instead? 

Santa

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