Roman Identity (Book 2)

Wedding Bliss & Melancholy

Author Notes: Updated Chapter

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"Worrying about things you cannot control will paralyze you."

Grandfather's words to me a year before were simple in theory but hard to follow in practice. At least for me. With less than two weeks away from the Tribute Memorial, I was reminded all over again why I hated this time of year. I secretly hoped that Alexander would come to visit me—to put my mind at ease by telling me that the dog was safe and out of danger. But I had no visit from him. Grandfather must have noticed a change in countenance because he stopped me on my way to my room in the garden. Even there, the plants sparkled in dew as if frozen in time. From childhood, he knew this was my favorite place to be.

He asked me how I was faring. I responded, "Good," before making my way to the west wing.

"Then why is it that I hear from Anias and your new instructor that your class participation has waned?"

I froze before dropping my gaze to the flowers beneath my feet.

"Is the upcoming Tribute weighing on you?"

I bit down on my lower lip, avoiding his gaze.

"This is a hard time for all of us," he continued. My gaze rose to find him facing me. He was close enough that I could see every line and inflection in his face. "But we are family. We will get through this together."

"Together?" I scrunched my face as if I had bit into a lemon. "There are only four of us remaining. I have no aunts, uncles, or cousins around anymore. My own brothers treat me like refuse, and I have a father who does not think I am good enough. The only person who truly loved me beside you is dead!"

He heaved a sigh. "I know things have changed. Even with this family. Some members have distanced themselves over perceived slights."

Who was he referring to? Was he referring to my mother's relatives? After all, they physically distanced themselves from the rest of the family by choice.

"But remember what I told you after the Quake?" he added, placing a hand on my shoulder before looking into my eyes. "You are never alone in this world." It was so long ago since he last uttered those words. A faint memory of him pulling me towards him when he saw me counting the released birds during the first Tribute Ceremony entered my consciousness. I may have forgotten the words, but at age four, I knew I was safe. Not that I doubted his words now, but I needed to feel it.

"This can be a chance to heal," he continued. "You have the chance to say what you could not say at four. You have the chance to honor her memory in a special way. Make it count."

His words echoed in my head as I turned around and entered the tablinum. Staring at me was the blank parchment sprawled on the writing table. I never liked public speaking, and now I am faced with the possibility of speaking in front of thousands. I would rather let my father speak. He was used to commanding crowds at ceremonies and public hearings. The thought of baring my soul in front of onlookers filled me with dread.

I sighed as I pushed away from the empty parchment, still staring at me from the table.

Just then, the new slave girl came into the room. Her delicate voice pulled my gaze from the parchment to her face framed in dark ringlets. Even without makeup, she was still pleasing to the eyes. All it took was a few words and a warm smile to leave my writing materials behind.

I walked into the dining hall to find another person sitting next to Barbarius and Apollus on the same couch. From behind, I thought it was Titus only to find out it was the Diplomat when he turned around. Because he had been a guest with us for some time, Apollus and Barbarius were more comfortable engaging in talk beyond pleasantries and politics in his presence.