I was dirty. Oh so disgustingly dirty. And it seemed no matter what I did, this feeling of absolute filth would forever remain on my body. But regardless, a shower always helped. I looked at my nude form in my full body mirror. Not a speck of dirt was on me, but inside, I knew that an invisible film of wretchedness littered my form. The shower was already running. The bathroom door was open, and the steam from the inside was drifting out, slowly clouding the glass I stared into.
I sighed before walking slowly, my body trembling even though I wasn’t cold. I longed to feel the scalding water metaphorically wash the dirt away.
I stepped in, and closed the curtain. My body flinched at the heat, but I didn’t care. I just needed to feel clean, even if I knew I really wasn’t.
I just stood there, my arms wrapped around me, and stared down at the drain. The bruises and welts stung. It was agony. I picked up the soap and lathered myself, flinching and I touched the purple hand print on my hip.
He was rough this time.
After the soap was on, I just let the water run over me. And then I cried. Like I always did after.
Soft sobs that wracked my body and left me feeling numb. Eventually, I couldn’t hold myself up, and I slowly sank down, flinching as my butt touched the shower floor.
It hurt so much. Inside. Outside.
My skin was slowly reddening, and I knew that I could actually hurt myself if the water kept running this hot.
But who cared? I didn’t.
They say that hot water kills the germs. Maybe the temperature could actually purify me this time.
I don’t know how long I sat there, but eventually I stood up, and shut the water off. I pushed the curtain out of my way and stepped out, immediately reaching for my towel. Goosebumps sprung up, and I toweled myself off quickly. I looked and saw my phone on the toilet seat.
It was ringing.
“Hi Jayden, what took you so long to get the phone? I called three times.”
“I was in the shower.”
“Oh, are you still at your uncle’s house?”
“No, I’m home.”
“Alright. Well…I don’t know why you take such long showers. Usually the girls do that stuff.”
She laughed, but I couldn’t even crack a smile.
“Yea…” I muttered.
“So, um, I’ll be home by eight. See you then, sweetie. Love you.”
I slammed the phone on the sink counter before storming out, dropping the towel. I steeped in front of the mirror again, and sighed.
The dirt was still there.
I clenched my green eyes shut, before opening them, and walking back into the bathroom, turning the shower on again.
One more couldn’t hurt.