His Gangster Side *kitin*

          It’s better this way. Better put everything back to where it belongs. Aayusin ko ang dapat ayusin. Ayoko ng magugulo pa ang buhay ko. Tsk. I dialed her number. Sasabihin ko na kaya? Pero kung sabihin ko—lalong magkakagulo ang lahat. Kaming dalawa ang magugulo.


”Hello?” She answered my call. Parang iba ang boses niya.


”Hey.”


”Uy. Zai.” Her voice is really different this time. Is she okay?


”Gwaenchana?” (Are you okay?)


”Yes. I think so.” Silence. Should I tell her now? Maybe this will be our cue to change everything. Anong gagawin ko? ”I’ve been longing to see you.”


”Why?”


”Kelangan kita ngayon. Kahit alam kong ‘di tama. Kelangan  nating mag-usap.”


”Hindi ba pedeng ngayon mo nalang sabihin?”


”I just want your memories back. Our memories.” she said coldly. our memories… Who wouldn’t like to remember your own past? Gusto ko din pero— ”I wont force you. Alam kong busy ka.” Bakit di ko masabi?


”It’s not like that pero kelangan pa ba talagang magkita tayo?” There’s a long pause after. ”Hey—“


”No. Hindi naman talaga kelangan. I’m just your best friend, right?” She emphasizedd the words ‘best friend’.


”Yes, you’re my bestfriend.”


”I know. Bye.”


”Wa—”She hung up the phone. Hindi ko pa rin nasabi. Pft. Pero siguro—mas tama na ang ganito. Ayokong magulo siya.


”I’m sorry.” I think that’s all I can say.

-------------------

”Stop being like that, Hina. Wala ng mangyayari!” He’s mad.


”Alam ko! Alam ko!” I’m crying for sure. ”But why can’t I just do something ?! Alam kong pede pa kuya!”


”Ano ba Hina?! He’s marrying Monique on his birthday. We can’t stop him. He’s in love with her. May bago na siya buhay.” That struck my heart badly. He’s in love with her.


”But I need him.”


”Does he need you too?” Dati. Sigurado akong kailangan namin ang isa’t isa dati.. ”He loved you, isn’t that enough?”


”I want us back. Ganun na ba talaga kadali para sumuko ako? I’ve been through countless difficulties. Why should I stop now, if I can still do something? ”


”There’s nothing we can do now. Kahit bumalik na ang alaala ni Zai—may possibilities na after ng marriage niya ‘yun at tanggapin na niya ang reality na kasal na sya kay Monique.” There’s nothing we can do. Nothing. ”I hate discouraging you Hina, but I don’t want you to be hurt again. You must cut your line from the source and start a new life.”


”But—I’m in love with him. Kahit nagka-amnesia ako.. Siya parin ang tumatakbo dito.” I pointed the left part of my chest. ”Mahirap.”


”Alam kong mahirap pero dapat.” I sighed. ”Just accept the fact na best friend nalang ang turing niya sayo.” Best friend. The most painful words na ayokong tanggapin ngayong nakakaalala na ako.


”I don’t know.”


”Tsk. Better rest na, you’d been crying the whole day.” I just nod. He kissed me on the forehead and left me lying on the bed. My phone started ringing. My heart skipped a beat, at once. Si Zai.


”Hello?” Shame. Ang pangit ng boses ko. Pft.


”Hey.” He answered back.


”Uy. Zai.”


”Gwaenchana?” (Are you okay?)


”Yes. I think so.” Okay? I lied. I’m not okay. ”I’ve been longing to see you.” I want him to know that. Alam kong alam na niya lahat na naaalala kong siya ang boyfriend—I mean, ex boyfriend ko at mahal ko pa siya.


”Why?” At alam kong hindi niya ‘to papansinin dahil mahal na mahal niya si Monique.


”Kelangan kita ngayon. Kahit alam kong ‘di tama. Kelangan  nating mag-usap.”


”Hindi ba pedeng ngayon mo nalang sabihin?” I miss the old Zai. Hindi siya ganito dati. >.<


”I just want your memories back. Our memories.” I said coldly. ”I wont force you. Alam kong busy ka.” Busy sa preparation sa kasal nila.


”It’s not like that pero kelangan pa ba talagang magkita tayo?” I didn’t answer back. Bakit pa nga ba ako umaasa sa taong hindi na ako mahal? ”Hey—“


”No. Hindi naman talaga kelangan. I’m just your best friend, right?” I emphasized the words “best friend”.

”Yes, you’re my bestfriend.” Bakit mas masakit pag sinabi niyang hanggang best friends nalang ang turingan namin?


”I know. Bye.” I felt embarassed, disappointed and annoyed.


”Wa—” I hung up the phone. Alam kong idedefend niya lang ang sarili niya. Hindi naman niya alam kung nasasaktan ako o hindi e. Does it matter to him anyway? Probably not.




                      I closed my eyes and waited for nothing. Can I just kill myself now? You can and on the other hand, you cannot. Why? Mali. Bad. Wrong. But it can end my suffering. I rested my shoulder on the head board and stared at the window. It’s still early. Early for me to go to sleep. What should I do? Should I really do something—unneccesary?


”Still awake?” I heard Kevin’s voice outside. I nod involuntary as if he can see me. ”I’m going in.” I sat up and looked at him while his making his way near to me. ”Gusto mo?” He smiled offering me his strawberry drink.


”Mapapagaan din ba nito ang loob ko?” I said and putting a weak smile on my lips.


”Alam mo naman na iba ang magic ko pagnag-ooffer ako ng something sayo.”


”Yeah. A weird treatment of yours.”


”Alam ko ang pinagdadaanan mo.” He wiped a tear near my eye. ”Alam kong masakit.” He handed me the bottle, which I’ve accepted.


”Galing ah. Buti ka pa, alam mo.” ”Ano nga palang ginagawa mo dito?”


”Binibisita ka. Masama ba?”


”Nope. Not really. Unexpected kasi.” I opened the bottle and started drinking, a lot of it. I smiled. A real one. That’s new for today.


”Buti pa yan. Idaan mo nalang sa ngiti ang lahat.” Pinisil niya ‘yung pisngi ko. Our eyes met. Iba ang tingin niya. ”Lagi kong naiisip dati na napakaswerte ni Zai sayo.”


”Why?”


”Wala naman. Naiinggit lang ako.”


”Oh. Oo nga pala. NGSB right?” He giggled and nod.


”Never had one.” Kinuha niya sakin yung bote na wala ng laman. Depressed ako, mabilis ko talagang mauubos yun. ”How was Ethan?”


”Unlimited phone calls from him. I really abhor him.”


”Hindi ba parang awkward?” I looked at him, he’s facing the floor. ”Kamukha ko siya di ba?”


”Medyo pero dati yun. Mas maraming kang ‘MAS’ sa kanya.”


”Katulad ng ano?”


”Mas mabait. Mas friendly. Mas approachable. Maas magaling mag-advice. Ah—mas cute. Uy, ngingiti yan.” I saw a smile on his lips. Sabi na nga ba.


”Eh pano kung sabihin kong meron pa?”


”Meron pa?”


”Pano kung—mas minamahal kita kesa sa pagmamahal niya sayo?” I froze. The hair on my nape stands up. Kinilabutan ako sa sinabi niya.


”Anong ibig mong—”


”Ayoko na Hina. I-ggrab ko na ang oppurtunity na ‘to. Ayokong bumalik ka ulit kay Zai. Matagal kang nawala dahil sa kanya. Ayoko ng maulit yun Hina.” He bowed his head, maybe trying to think the correct words to say. ”For goddamn’s sake. Hina, I’m inlove with you.” He held my hand and staring at it. I can’t utter a word. Speechless.


”Kaya ako nandito. Ayoko ng hintayin pa bukas kasi alam kong hindi ka susuko kay Zai.”


”Ba—”


”Please, let me love you.”