Chapter 35 ~ Liam

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Chapter 35 ~ Liam

I know she is sorry, I know she really regrets what she did. I know Tammy and she doesn’t lie, she is always honest, even when that may hurt people. She said that to the magazine because she wanted it to be her words, not some else’s. I know she really means everything that she has told me right now, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t use me like she did. That doesn’t mean she didn’t stab me in the back from the very beginning.

And when I see her here, with her teary eyes and without a mask to hide herself, it hurts me even more what I have to say. I just can’t put aside what she did. Not yet, at least. I feel betrayed, I feel used and I can’t look her in the eyes without thinking of what she’s done.

I remember Mila telling me once that I’m a proud man, and I guess she was right then, because with what Tammy did she hurt my pride. I was used and I didn’t even realise until it was too late. I never imagined it was Tammy who called the paparazzi. I always wondered how they managed to know when it was clear. That’s why she wanted to be outside the first time, so paparazzi could take pictures. That’s why she didn’t react when we saw the paparazzi outside in our second date. And I bet if we had had a third date it would’ve been the same.

She only wanted publicity and I can’t forget that. And it hurts me because I still love her, because I want to put this behind and just comfort her because I know she is in pain, but I can’t do it. Tammy has always said that I’m a good guy, that I’m too good but that’s not true. I’m proud and resentful, I hold grudges and right now that’s what keeps us apart and that marks the end of everything because I can’t forget what she did.

“Leave,” I say and I see her blinking, confused. “That’s what I want you to do. Leave me alone. It’s over, Tammy. You used me and I can’t forget that.”

“Liam, please… I’m really sorry,” she insists but I shake my head and I carefully pull back, getting her off of me.

“I know but that doesn’t change what you did. Please, leave me alone. I’m sorry you had to come here, but it doesn’t change anything.”

I look away because I can’t witness the moment she breaks. I saw her once like that and it was terrible. I can’t see her like that again or I’ll break myself.

“Okay,” she says, her voice a mere whisper. “I’ll leave. Just one more thing and please look me in the eyes now.” I don't know what she wants to say, but I grant her that wish. “I am sorry for having hurt you, but you need to know one more thing before I leave and that’s… I love you, Liam. Surprisingly, I can love, you taught me that and even if it was brief… thank you for that. I’m sorry for disappointing you and for using you. I didn’t mean all this. I just wanted you to know that I really, really love you.”

I take a sharp breath before she grabs her backpack and walks out the room, leaving me inside with her words echoing in my mind.

It wasn't long but we were together and during all that time I knew I was in love with her, but I never told her, always waiting for the perfect moment. But that moment never came. I didn’t expect she would say it first. I always thought I was going to tell her that I loved her and she would laugh at me and mock me. I thought that many months later she would say, in a whisper when we were about to fall asleep, that she loved me too. I never thought she was going to tell me she loved me when she was leaving me… because I asked her to leave me.

I turn around in one swing but the door is closed and Tammy is not here anymore. She left without knowing that I love her, too, but I just can’t be with her if I can’t forgive her.

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